Broken Window

I haven’t slept much since last night, I hate hangovers, I could feel my entire body quivering, water, water, I need fuel.

I am so happy that finally I have floors to walk on already, my place has been a mess cuz I’m so busy… order, finally, some things were put back in the right place. But me, I really hope I can put my self in the right place, the right order of things… I hugged my pillow tighter under the dark, yes for now this is my right place, I feel safer closeted inside the walls of my small room… ‘don’t let me go…’

I feel so scared tonight for some reason… I shut the fans and turned off everything in my apartment. I don’t want to hear noise… I rang my friend, ‘I don’t want to go tonight, and I don’t think I want that jungle anymore, I don’t feel safe.’ She shrieked at me, ‘ hello, just think it’s your CSR, corporate social responsibility.’ We were laughing. I told her I couldn’t believe I put myself in that situation, to be bid on and bought. What if no one wants to buy, I don’t want to be bought anyway. I want to buy myself out of it.

I played Fink on my ipod, ‘I left myself, I left myself behind, on the heath, in the grass, in the sunshine, and I watch myself as I stab myself in the back with the question mark…’

Watching some teen flick… scene on a rooftop… dawn… ‘any moment… anything can change, any moment everything can change…’

I heard a sigh from my chest… I miss that moment… on the rooftop… no worries… just you and me watching the stars upside down… simple things… I miss everything simple… no complications, just two souls still unsure of what the future holds… no words to scare each other, just stares, simple stares… hopeful stares… no kisses to regret, just laughter, you and I dancing freely on the roof top … just the world and us changing its hues… innocence still abound…

I belonged there, for a moment… just a few moments… then everything changed… the world caught my attention and I turned my back from you, momentary… but it changed everything…

I can never get it back… cheating myself on other souls, hopeful that finally, some shape can replace the big loss that is you… I just keep throwing my innocence away… I still belonged in that moment… not to you anymore but that moment on the rooftop… gazing at the world upside down…

Last Friday, I was happily jumping up and down while waiting for my officemate to close up when one of my officemates approached me asking her to help her shop for new clothes and may be help perk up her look a bit. I happily obliged, I love being of help. As she walked near the door she went back, sat beside me and cried. I didn’t know what to make of it… Here’s someone authoritative breaking down before me, I tapped her back and never left her side. She said she just feels so depressed… I keep trying to cheer her up; telling her it will be ok… I know it will… as she walked away, I told her, ‘don’t let it get you ok, don’t drown, I am just here, anytime, a call or text away…’ an anchor… that’s what we all need…

Cries… I’ve been hearing this a lot lately from close friends and family… makes me worry, I have a lot of problems also, a lot that I just try to push my self so hard so that I never have to think of them, it’s better to laugh than worry. To dance and jump around than be on the floor… my mom would even text me that sometimes she just wants to kill herself, oh god, so I have to be the adult to tell her not to? I would try to make her feel better til I reach a spot within my self that makes me feel stronger.

We got a call the other day in the office regarding a writer who jumped on top of a hotel recently, her mom, was calling about her last article. We were all shocked. This girl just recently passed the bar exams yet she opted to commit suicide… what is going on with the world… every one is getting depressed…

I just got off the phone with two of my friends, the other one nearing bankruptcy, the other worrying about her kid and her studies… then my brother messaged, ‘don’t you have plans on getting married? You’re in your late 20’s already…’ oh my, don’t you think that can be on the last on my list already. He just cracked me up… how I love him…

Life, it’s fun to live it… to laugh, to cry, to be in love, to get heart broken and to bounce back again, to create some drama and be entangled with it… there’s so much… so much we can do… ‘please don’t let it get to you…’ fuck, even Akon sings that song…

The weather is a traitor.

Woke up shivering from the cold breeze, I curled up still aching for rest and sleep, my head needs to reboot from the toils I put my self in… but the alarm just keep screaming beside my ear… work work work… ‘yeah take me away…’

I thought it would be raining the entire day so I decided to wear boots, scarf and jacket, after I got to my meeting, ‘dad’ was teasing, ‘winter wonderland?’ the sun was heating up the surrounding by then.

I got back to the office with a bad headache, one by one, shedding the cover ups… cold again… may be that’s how an egg feels, boiled, cooled off then reheated again… I’m freakin battered…

Went around the mall today to buy stuff for my shoot… ‘Puzzles!’ I screamed one day while puffing on some cigs, I startled my officemate. Yup, puzzles it is. I got a 300-piece puzzle to use for my shoot then will paint it over the weekend. I’m on my computer while my officemates put it together. They keep complaining as they endlessly put it piece by piece… I was just waiting, they would have killed me if I got the 1000 pieces haha. It’s crazy, but I think they enjoyed staring at Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and Eyore…

I’m beat for the day. I got home chomping on my favorite dish for the month. God I felt like an ‘er-er’ pigging out, compensates for the lack of sleep… I rested and watched TV for 2 hours as my cousin dressed up to go out for the night… I’m envious, I don’t think my body can still handle a night out for now… one, two, three… my cousin went back and forth to her room, ‘Hala!’ she startled me as I reached for my laptop bag, ‘you’re opening your computer again! Tsk, I told you to sleep already…’ I smiled at her while I catch myself on my habit… ‘yes me and my girlfriend,’ I whispered as I push the ‘on’ button. ‘yes, it’ll do, it’ll do for now, I’m happier with you…’ I just realized how good it feels to nudge emotion by the corner for a while, it’s freeing. Yup, taking things easy. To an old friend, I think I learned a lot from you, you should have met me when I wasn’t broken, may be we could still be laughing together…

Fink is lulling me in a trance, ‘don’t cheat yourself out of love, cause you know thats a bigger sin, to never know such sweetness, never know completeness, but thats where i’ve been…’

An ellipsis…

I woke up skinny again, after a few rounds of redbull vodka’s and glasses of bad wine, I laid my head on my pillow and waited for sleep…

Time… late again, I beat myself up for my irresponsibility. Escapes are really bad for me, it makes me loose touch of sanity.

Like a hermit I would be in my shell til I finish my projects…it’s good that way, let the world simmer down my absence… may be it won’t be missed…

I sing Fiona today. ‘I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath. I need fuel - to take flight, and there’s too much going on. But its calm under the waves, under the waves…’

Is it better to enter the window than just stand across the hall watching it? When you entered didn’t you notice a neon sign plastered by the door? What was that again? Oh I think the last one who left took the signage away…

‘The Holiday’ is on TV again… ’shhh, be quiet…just for now, just for now…’

I smiled and looked at her as she handed me the photos, the person who betrayed and hurt me, there she was welcomed in my house for the first time after everything that happened. She stood there all dolled up with curled hair after her photo shoot. Stunning, that she is. But I felt no shivers, no thrill, just a little space of awkwardness.

I keep trying to feel where I am, and there I was laughing and talking to her, me, whole, not broken nor bandaged. I was ME, and I looked at her differently, I just saw a child looking for some affirmation. The feelings I used to have, the love that turned into grudge then disgust is no longer there, my heart felt so free, I already forgave. I would look at her and she would look away, she would look at me and I would look away. A funny weird predicament and we were both standing tall, laughing, the past behind both of us.

I told myself the other night after a disturbing conversation with a broken line, that I will not be the person who despises and resent. I will never be bitter. Forgiveness, understanding and acceptance are the best freeing drug. She caught me in the right time. Thank god what we had was momentary, had it been a long-term entrapment I would still have been in a rut. I guess it’s true, according to some studies, getting over a break up depends on how long the relationship lasted. This last one was short and abrupt but my first took me years to get over. Salamat at natapos lahat. Silensyo, yan muna ang himig ng puso ko, ‘nakakahapo!’ reklamo ng ugat nito. Ayan umiral na naman si makata.

NO MORE DRAMA, this is the sign plastered on my calendar for the last weeks of June and the weeks of July to follow, and August will be another month for another project. I’m so busy that I do not have time for SOAP OPERA, from the past, and the past tense.

The eye bags will mean stress not worry, the lack of sleep means work not thinking. I only had 2 hours of rest since last night and today but I still could not rest and its past 4am. I just hope I don’t repeat my cycle, work, party, work, and then get sick. I really have a problem with slowing down, cuz slowing down gets me in a lonely mode. Fast paced keeps me alert and a little collected. Well we’ll see cuz little old me is getting older by day.

I’m thinking, should I open a bag of chips or just puff on a cigarette haha both unhealthy… nah sleep, I think I should sleep, my fingers are aching from the mouse already. ‘hush, hush now little baby…’

Fourth change of long paragraphs. Yes, I cannot make up my mind. It’s past 2am and I just resigned my thoughts on something that has been bugging me the entire weekend.

‘Not what you want?’ someone chatted me on line. May be that’s why I’m bothered about it. It’s weird though. It’s laid down for me again, its up to me if I want to put my finger on it. But why would it be laid down before me in the first place. ‘I believe that there’s a reason for everything,’ the person on the other line chatted back.

I could feel the gray overcast heading my way. A big ‘NO,’ I flashed it on my forehead. Yes. I know I am always right when it comes to dismantling the future circumstances. When it’s bothersome then it’s not good for you. Please just let me be cuz I know that I wouldn’t be able to refuse.

‘Trust no one,’ I heard Glen Close on TV, ‘Damages’ was on. There you go, answers just keeps showing it self.

I hate the dreary rain, sends me bouts of longing. It blurs my thinking brain. I keep nudging my work aside and staring blankly at the monitor again. Shit, my time will be so cramped up this week. O well, at least this will keep me intact.

Tact, yes keep your tact. ‘Keep it this way ok?’ a friend tapped me last week about what worries me. I know I should. I know, let it bounce…

Silence… ‘Sometimes I wonder if you are even in your office,’ an officemate commented the other night while at the event. They say I was a little tamed recently, not getting mad all the time, not screaming so much about my funny antics and not dancing around the hall of the firm. I keep telling them I’m just tired. It’s funny when they’re used to you blabbing all the time that when you finally shut up people think there’s something wrong with you.

I like this feeling though, may be I’m getting old or just really tired most of the time. Even my thoughts don’t occupy my time that much anymore.

I’ve been busy again lately and the lack of sleep is mostly cuz of work. I like it that way. Busy. I like me busy, productive and not lost in my thoughts. I haven’t gotten my canvasses yet so I’m just working on magazine deadlines most of the time.

For the past days, when I hit the bed and close my eyes, I dose off easily. And I’m dreaming of dreams again, not words anymore, dreams.

Sitting on a quiet Friday night with acquaintances, they keep asking about a new story from the chapter that I closed up already. I told them, ‘Guys can we just talk about something else, it’s tiring, let’s just talk of politics, communism and democracy,’ I was smiling with the thought. I even forgot to tell them some recent incident that happened. I love it, that chapter is not important to me anymore. They just squeeze me so much that I end up stating it again. But then again it bored me like hell. As I wrote about my truth Thursday, my friends were calling me and asking if I am ok. ‘Putcha, ano nanaman yang emote na yan?’ I just said, ‘Nah it’s truth Thursday, we just write about it every week. Its just snippets of what I’m feeling but it does not define the complete state that I am in.

Silence… I hid myself from partying last Friday cuz I’m so tired. Told them I’m reserving my energy for Saturday. Saturday is the day I put grains in my serenity. Well what else is new. While getting up the stairs of my apartment I was happily staring at my red toes. They make me smile, I’m still in awe with red paint on my toes. Makes me feel like naughty is still in me.

I woke up on a stormy Sunday with head reverberating from last night’s hangover. The mood is so gloomy and the black out made it even worse. I stirred from my pillow, a wisp of last night’s perfume lingers on the folds of my hair… it’s unfamiliar, not mine. I smiled with the thought, ‘I don’t mind, I’m hiding a secret smile.’

Ang unos, natatapos, ngunit ang gulo at sirang naiwan ay mahirap ilagay sa ayos. Isa, isa pilit mong itinatayo ang lahat ng gumuho ngunit ang mga malalim na sugat na naiwan ng unos ay mahirap isaayos.

Narinig ko ang boses mo, mahina ngunit alam kong ikaw ito. Nagulat ako at ibinaba ang telepono. Bakit? Ganyan naba ang tingin mo? Bumaba pailalim lalo ang pagkakilala ko sayo. Nakakalungkot, nakapanghihinayang. Ang baho ng amoy ng iyong hinaing. Pabuntunghininga akong kinilabutan. Isang ungol ng pagkababoy? You think I wouldn’t recognize your voice? I got so familiar with everything that you are that even a simple hello from my back would tell me that it’s you. I will always remember this and would always tell my self how ugly you’ve become to my eyes. You made me feel so sad for you.

Everything that I beautifully imagined in my head of how you are now down the drain of sorrow. It’s so sad how you wish the beautiful would win the ugly side. I don’t think it will ever happen.

Ang sabi ng diwata, ‘Hanggang ngayon ba’y ikaw ay nakikidigma sa sarili mo?’ Hindi na siguro, I think I let the ravine swallow it whole.

Seduction, I’m tired of that game. Where have all the sensible women went? I can be naughty yet I know I will always stay a little reserve. ‘Reserved?’ I heard a voice scream in my head, ‘How can you say you are reserved when you’ve laid down everything for everyone to peruse.’ ‘Like a train wreck everyone can’t stop and stare…’ a caring voice once told me, yes that is true, I once told someone, ‘Honey, if you keep airing your dirty laundry, then every one will surely cover their eyes and mock.’ Why can’t I tell this to my self?

Kanina habang ako’y nagdridrive sa EDSA, nagtext si diwata, ‘Talking and talking is like walking naked.’ Para akong nauntog, siguro nga, lumalakad ako ng hubad kaya minsan sila na ang nagkukubli para ‘wag tumitig. Nalilito ako, pano na ang himig na gusto kong ilabas sa aking labi, mahirap sumigaw sa utak ng nag-iisa. I can’t sing no matter how I try, but my words, these are my melody but it is not the cumulation of me. Yes, I think, this is the new battle in me. Will you hold my voice? It makes me feel so small sometimes.

To that little smile I secretly hoped to stay, will you come back? I have yet to hear your melody…

‘Fuckin photo copy!’ I told my friend. It’s weird, I got my hair changed cuz I didn’t want to resemble Xerox yet now people mistake me for someone else. I don’t know if it’s good or bad.

I hate people who wants to be somebody they’re not, yet here I am sitting on a long table with people mistaken me for another person. It must be the new hairdo. I came out from the salon today feeling good about my hair. I called up my friend tonight cuz I was so pissed and I told her I wanted a new ‘do’. She was more than willing to accompany me to her hair stylist, goddamn; it’s expensive to feel good. As I paid for my treatment and my new cut I keep telling myself ‘It’s ok, it’s fuckin worth it.’ yet still worried that the blow dry and the treatment wouldn’t be the same when i wake in the morning.

As we walked away from the salon, people just keep staring, ‘it’s the fuckin blow dry!’ I told my friend, ‘I love the stylist!’ I told her she’s a good ego booster. If you ever want to feel good, you go to her. She makes you fuckin look like sex. Oooh sex, I told my friend, ‘damn, doesn’t everybody wants to look desired?’ we were laughing as we walked out.

I had a blast at dinner tonight. My friend brought me to meet new people, new faces and a bunch of United Colors of Benetton. As I drove around Makati today, we were still texting, ‘I don’t know if I’m alcoholic or just depressed but I just opened another bottle of tequila at home,’ she said. I told her, ‘Sorry babe, I have an early shoot tomorrow, I have to get some rest but darn I just keep driving around Makati smoking my pack of cigs.’ Driving, it usually gives me peace nowadays. But I was a little tipsy that I had to bring myself back to reality. ‘It’s dangerous you know, driving around like that,’ my friend told me knowing I get lost and thoughts flying all the time.’ I couldn’t help it, pushing the gas and speeding gives you power, makes you believe you are in control, it’s freeing, I free my mind with thoughts that I don’t want to ponder on. Primera, Tersera, I keep pushing til I hit 120-160. It’s scary, I scare me sometimes but it feels so fuckin good. Better than any rush.

I dreamt about being late again, I always seem to have that recurring dream. Rushing for something big but not making it. It’s disappointing. ‘Is it the same with reality?’ I asked myself, knowing that I am rushing all the time. Shit, I have to be settled and in control. Shit, Shit, Shit. Change and discipline, I told myself. You need to apply it.

‘Football! Wake up now, we will watch their finals,’ I stirred from my hangover when my friend phoned me. I’m still nursing myself from last night’s drunkenness. I always hate the day after. Fuck alcohol. Never good for me.

I think I’m getting old for this jungle. I spaced out at the field while my friend explain to me the mechanics of the game. I want to learn it so next time I could actually run on the field myself and pull some muscles tight. My friend was getting frustrated with me cuz I keep shaking my head in confusion, I’m still nursing my hangover and nothing was processing. May be next time. I went back to the bleacher and stared at the players from below, my friend sat beside me pointing out people on the field. ‘People watching,’ I told her it feels like we are watching a bunch of people in an aquarium. It’s funny how she’s so observant of the people around us, I told her I barely notice these things sometimes, or may be I was still out of it.

After a buffet dinner I asked my friend to accompany me to get a car wash. While waiting I stared at nothingness again. ‘Hey, what are you thinking,’ my friend asked. ‘Nah, I’m just tired,’ I replied. My phone squeaked, messages from friends asking me to join them party tonight. I wanted to just rest and listen to mellow sound. God, I was so tired that I plumped myself on the bed when I got home but my head won’t shut. Nothing, I’m in a nothing process mode but I still can’t sleep. It could get so frustrating.

I went back to finish some photos, I looked at some of mine and it frustrated me to see myself in such a way that reminded me of someone I hate. My eyes, my smile, she copied me so much that I could see it in me already, the way I took my photos, the way I write, the way I say things. Shit I hate her. I loathe her. Yeah, loathe, I feel so much disgust that in my mind I took a long stake and thrust it straight to her chest and push her up against the wall. I don’t want you. Leave me alone. I feel like she’s Adele, Jenny’s assistant in Lword season 5. She’s scary. Who wants to be a photocopy when you can just be you? ‘Why don’t we just entitle the fashion editorial, ‘Xerox’,’ my photographer friend sarcastically told me one time when I went to him to complain at a proposal for my concept that got turned down cuz my boss wants to just copy something than create something new. I hate copying; it’s a mockery of anyone’s intelligence. And her? God, can’t she be her own, she’s making me hate her so much. That she is, I will call her Xerox. My friend said, ‘my god, the characters you attract are like the characters in the movie ‘Single White Female’!’ It’s giving me tingles at the back of my neck. And I would think I’m crazy, gods there are crazier ones.