Broken Window

“He is a shoe that walks away: “I will not go where you want to go.” “Why, then, are you a shoe? “I’m not. I have the sole of a lover but don’t know what love is.” “Discover it, then.” “Will I have to go where you go?”– I read this from a friend’s blog. It’s a line from a poem; it caught my breath for a few seconds, sad, sad voice…

I sat on my chair tired from my days offering, I just wrapped up my shoot, women, a lot of them today, different shades, different modes, chosen from a list of substantial candidates, well so they say… god they are all tiring… a deep sigh exhausted from my mouth… another resignation… I came home with a bag of new toys for my Friday shoot, as I dumped it on my floor I looked around and saw all the other new toys that I piled up, my empty canvas still waiting for life…

I washed up trying to renew my senses but I’m still tired… I thought of all the things that could make an artist full of excitement and I think I have some on the tip of my fingers, dangling them for a while so I could get back my energy… I stared on the water going down the drain… ‘That’s me a little drained’… just for the day… I know I asked for it and I’m very thankful… one by one, I will fill everything up and finish… but now, oh I think I will have to rest for a while so I could still have air for the coming days…

“Damn, I need a date for Belo’s anniv…’ my photographer friend blurted out frustrated on his phone, he wanted me to join him but my plate is so full I don’t want to end up not showing up… I stared at him, what a lovely dilemma, anyone would love to go with him to see Dita Von Teese in flesh, ‘Oh honey, I know, you could get any date you want, but it’s a matter of do you want to just ask anybody.’ I gave a deep sigh. Yes, dates… with the activities we have in this industry it’s easy to get a date, things could get really exciting but sometimes you only have a few you want to share it with cuz the others you bring along puts it to waste or puts you to waste…

I am pooped and tired… sleep is calling me anytime now but I’m still here wasting time… I could feel a hand grasping my neck, it’s soothing…’could you let it stay, longer, this neck is weary and tired please do not break it, it needs a resting ground…’

‘It’s not that we’re scared, it’s just that it’s delicate…’ I am playing Damien Rice again… I missed him, I haven’t been listening to him in ages… ‘So why do you fill my sorrow with the words you’ve borrowed from the only place you’ve known…’

‘You give me miles and miles of mountains and I’ll ask for the sea…’ I feel like he’s serenading me to sleep and here I am slowly thumping my fingers on my keypad… sleepy… I woke up today alive as ever, awake as before… delicate…

I’m staring at the things that I have to accomplish, it’s heavy but I want to dangle it in my eyes… I will lie down for a while, think of how someone used to sing me a lullaby as I close my eyes… I am fragile, so as everything I touch…

I hit the mute button to silence the music. I don’t think I’m petrified of silence anymore… it’s soothing that way…

White, same as the surface of the canvass I have in my hands… I’ll paint colors on it… neons, nothing pale, everything thick and heavy…

‘Let me tell you about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, the moon up above, and the thing called love…’ I could hear Ate V singing from my officemates computer, everyone stood up dancing ala Brady Bunch, swaying to and fro with funny smiles on our faces… I love our funny team, everything is all about laughter… we just got off the phone from our Editor’s scolding, and look at these guys, dancing and laughing… I love the energy of the editorial team it lifts up anyone who woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

The wrong side of the bed, that was I today the second time I opened my eyes and read my phone messages… disappointments. Tsk, what the fuck will I do with it, let it bounce that’s what…

‘God, Tatum, you forgot to wear your pants again?! That’s even shorter than your dress yesterday!’ I stood by the mirror looking at the ceiling, ‘Really? Darn, sometimes I think my long tops can be dresses too,’ I smiled at them. ‘Well that’s why I wore a long jacket!’ as I passed by the glass door I saw myself, shit, I really looked like I forgot my pants… darn this dress is short. Oh well, good thing I wore flats or else I’ll be walking sex again, it makes anyone who sees it feel uneasy. Was staring at myself at the mirror before I slept last night, shit, I have aged. And darn this bindi looking pimple on my forehead is really annoying me today, as I turned my head on my pillow I thought to myself, may be I’m becoming a unicorn. Haha, such silly little thoughts.

On my way to work I played the loudest bass music I could play, I need to blur my thoughts again, no words should come out from it cuz I’m playing Alchemist who wants to discover the Philosopher’s stone and usually it produces negative results.

‘Ate!, forgot to show you our childhood photos, look…’ ‘Tatum, parang ang bait mo dito oh,’ my officemate said, haha, god, so cute, I was always in tightly combed pigtails and smiling in a very innocent big smile… I can’t stop smiling now, I was just talking about having little Tatum’s in the future, I wonder if they will look like me, talk like me, act like me, hmmm, oh god scary…

I popped a new track on my ipod, ‘Happy I’m gonna be happy, feeling so happy, can’t you see I’m happy now…’ there there, my shoulders are on beat again, I love how music can easily change my mood… I walked to Starbucks few buildings from my office. ‘Venti Caramel machiatto with double shot espresso and hazel nut ice shaken please,’ ‘You sure maam? That has double shot already,’ ‘What?! You mean I have 4 shots of espresso all the time?’ god that’s why I’m always extra hyper. Shucks. I got back to the office to tell them about it, yeah like it was such breaking news. As I started talking, I could hear my words skip beats by millisecond, I was talking super fast… there you go, the espresso shots are working again…

Today I felt like borrowing words from Jewel, ‘If I could tell the world just one thing it would be, we are all ok, and not to worry cause worrying is wasteful in times like these, I won’t be made useless, won’t be idol with despair, I’ll gather myself around my faith…’

For some reason I want to silence my own words, to keep borrowing from other voices seems better at least theirs are proven, at least theirs are sang in a million and a billion ears… mine on the other hand stays in me… cuz I am just borrowed, so what’s the use of it… the rain touched my face today, washing me, I hear me in me… yes like rain, it dries before you can hold it… it’s not up to me, my hands are already open and it offers so much, I think that is as clear as the water I tasted today…

…’And I am never broken… in the end only kindness matters…’

I walked the streets of Ayala frolicking under the rain with ipod on my ears and double shot iced espresso in hand, and as I skip one foot after another I could hear myself humming… I used to hate dreary rain but the soft sounds of it under the umbrella is soothing, I am smiling together with it and smiling at everyone who smiles and greets me. It is a lovely day, dark and gloomy but it is still a day… my leather boots are half drenched with the rain, I am still frolicking… skippidy hop together with ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane,’ soundtrack in my ears, weird I know, but that’s just me weird full of life… as I got back to my office, I was coughing and sneezing and could feel bouts of headache and warmth on my forehead, yikes, I think I might have breathed the rain too much… ‘hachuuu…’oh no, I am still dancing tonight, this shouldn’t get to me… Mambo is at my feet, we will bring home the fish…

I am ecstatic with ideas today, will be shooting so much first week of August, lamps this time, I want big lamps and lights, god I need to light up my dark, I love what’s in my blood, no matter how much sadness and confusion I take in, I am still in it and above… ‘I’m nagtatampo na with you ha! You’re always not available!’ a friend told me today, I am sorry babe, I am really busy, I would love to fill everything in but my plate has too much, I’m afraid of getting choked up… one by one I need to digest sometimes… medyo madrama pa ang mommy ko today, ‘Anak, pasan ko na yata ang daigdig,’ Sharon Cuneta is that you? imbes na maiyak ako napatawa pa ako, ‘Mommy easy lang, ako ang may pasan.’ ‘Whew,’ slips from my breath as I feel my hand wiped my forehead.

Do you know why I always listen to ‘Moving Mountains’? cuz I like to scream through my car window to ‘just leave me be…’ one more, over and over, ‘just leave me be…’ I am in love with that song for few weeks now, I could feel the way he sings it, it is not my song, it is someone else’s, and I feel for the both of them. But I keep screaming, endlessly, I do not need this…

Why do you keep stopping the waves when its crashing before you… you are just washing your hands for a damage you might inflict, so when I crash down, it is not you to blame but me… So many times I’ve been disappointed, and so many times I’m giving it a new shoe. But I’m hanging by a moment and I really want to cut it lose. Let me get burned so I can mend it back… not like this…

I’ve already closed my eyes to the wrong that is in my distaste yet my heart takes those that needs protection. My hands? It is big to carry anybody but sometimes it crashes me… don’t use it for your benefit, I am also in need… don’t put your finger on it and complain when you get burned. I am not a sponge; I need giving back and reciprocation… I am human heavy with mood… I could hear Helena on the other room, ‘I rang the bell but I guess you did not hear me because of all the cacophony.’

To an old memory, sometimes I miss your sweetness and you letting me know how you feel, that’s accepting how human we are… we feel and accept it, I wished to the gods to bring me another you, and I will do everything right… I saw a clip of your smile yesterday, how proud I am of you, it pinched a hole in me. I remember the time that I would follow seconds of your smile under a moving camera, just a few seconds that you turned your head towards me in the library, flashed me that smile as you walked away. It was forever etched in my heart. I used to play it over and over as I go home at night til my cam recorder lose its batteries… I miss those moments. I keep starting new grounds offering the same taste, even better, my hands have grown and it can offer more but they refuse to welcome it. I thought I made them a ghost that is you, but no, they’re giving me their ghosts and they’re successful in haunting me…

I am not a lab experiment. I want my peace. Their indecisiveness is not my cup of tea. ‘Why do you always surround yourself with confused people?’ a life coach told me before. I keep saying, ‘I am a fixed ground, I know what I want …’ and as if it really needed answer, a friend told me, ‘then you put an end to it.’ Hmmm… yes, I am a solid ground, stop corroding it. ‘Cut a star down, with my knife…’ Fink is lulling me again… yes, cut a star, not for you, for me, my hunger is insatiable, fill it to the brim…

Diwata ayokong lumuhod sa lupa… alam mo kung ano yung kanta? ‘If I could take you away… what would you say, cuz everybody’s got the way I should feel… oh how I try to be just ok, all I ever really wanted was a little piece of you… everybody’s talking how I can’t be your love, but I want want want to be your love for real…’ I think I’m keeping it inside another box and a period beside the lyrics. First move your mountains then knock on my door when you’ve rid yourself of it, let’s see if heaven is still served on a platter.

I do not remember the last time I danced like Mambo, I miss the happy feet in me. I’m just tired most of the time. I will dance tomorrow for the world, my beat is a happy one, I’ll shower it to the dance floor. Ohhh yes my canvass is arriving soon, I’ll make love to it to quench my hunger… may be it will…

Woke up hungry, irritated and cranky… it’s past 9pm and I have to finish on so much that I piled up on my plate. I moved my head in the dark anticipating the Tatum I know but I’m just plain cranky…

I walked to the food chain across my street, they were playing this annoying band that reverberates in their fucked up speakers, I breathe momentary the patience in me and order all the food I want. My food arrived wrapped in the banana leaf I specifically instructed them not to put my food in. I breathed again to take flight, higher, higher, I will not scream. I waited patiently as they served it back… spoon after another I wanted to throw up. Darn, it was bland. Never mind, I will tuck in my boiled anger. As I was paying for my meal, the band keeps ringing in my ears, ‘Argh, you’re sound system sucks!’ and before I could hold myself I think I screamed ‘Argh!’ again and walked out mad at their door. Shit, I couldn’t hold it, I was just plain cranky. I could feel it in me as my cousin walked back to the apartment with me. I didn’t want to speak nor face anyone cuz I will totally explode. I know me, I can be easily provoked in this state. I still want to sleep but I need to finish…

To count the minutes, that’s what I want to do right now, to stare at the ceiling and think of a serene land. ‘Hold me to the ground and pin me down…’ I whispered as I stare at the frame on my desk.

Earlier today I received gifts that I could process in my heart. I touched a soul today and she thanked me in more ways than one. I smoked a cigarette with her and told her, ‘it’s ok babe, things happen you know, let it be bygones, let it bounce and laugh at it, it’s a stupid mistake, look at me, I laugh at my misfortunes, that way no one can make you feel bad.’ I hugged her and thanked her for making me feel I have a gift in me. To be easily talked to and to share their secrets with, without judgment and spite… ‘I will not forget you, I feel like a thorn was taken out from my chest,’ she said as if she would break in to tears. I smiled at her, still lacking sleep and good state of mind.

‘You know, you have fans here,’ I looked at her with bewildered eyes, ‘Huh?’ ‘They read up on you, and look for you if you’re not here,’ she followed. ‘Oh my,’ I said, ‘What do you mean?’ ‘I don’t know, I think they follow your writings, see you’re not even a celebrity and you have fans,’ we were laughing. ‘You’re a character Tat,’ she said in her motherly tone. I looked at her as I put my hand under my chin, ‘You know, that scares me sometimes, there’s this song, I have this song that resonates in me, it’s ‘Blunt’ it’s a long ass lyrics but it’s really how I see it… ‘I don’t want to be beautiful… no one ever hears her speak, I don’t want to be a diplomat, with a heart attack for peace, all that I need is a fire escape, all that I need is a stone, everything that starts out burning, ends up overgrown, I don’t want to be an astronaut, I’ve flown higher on my own, I don’t want to be a movie star, I don’t need to be alone, all that I need is a blunt excuse, all that I need is a ruse, everything that starts off burning, ends up feeling used, I don’t want to be president, there’s some things I’d like to keep, I don’t want to be a nightingale, I don’t need to feel that cheap, all that I need is an antidote, all that I need is a muse, everything that starts off burning, ends up feeling used…’ she smiled at me as I recite it to her… I can be melancholic sometimes, I just want to feel safe…

As we journeyed the way back to Manila, my head was in the clouds, thinking of someone… I told another before that in my arms she would always feel safe, and I’ve kept my end of the bargain… ‘Me when will I feel safe in you, did you feel the weight in my stare? I could hear you speak but is that the way you feel, i could feel your sadness, and it is what I’m taking in.’

I have a song stuck on loop in my ears today, ‘We were just wasting time, let the hours roll by, doing nothing for the fun, a little taste of the good life, whether right or wrong, makes us want to stay, stay, stay, stay, stay, stay here for awhile…’ I find myself bobbing my head with it…

Kagigising lang at nagmumuni muni nanaman, ayaw magisip tungkol sa realidad dahil para akong nakalumbitin sa lubid ng agos ng oras… muli kong hinihila ang paghinto ng orasan… sandali lang, ilang minuto lang, ipinapahinga ko muna ang nakakapagod na himig ng aking trabaho at pagkagumon sa pagod… eto nakaupo at ipinilit ibangon ang katawan… tama ka diwata sa sinabi mo, eto nga siguro ang pinakamasarap na panahon ng pagkabiling sa alak… eto ako, nakatitig sa parang…

Ang lakas na naman ng ulan na umaawit sa aking bintana… isang boses ang humihila sa akin sa lupa ngunit may lumaban na mas malakas na himig, yun ay ako, si ako, mas malakas ang himig ng boses ko, hindi ako mananahimik at ititigil ang mundo para sa’yo dahil isa kang malambot na bato, lulubog lilitaw… alam ko na ang magiging agos ng tubig mula sayo… naramdaman mo? Mahina yata ang kuryente na dumadaloy mula sa koneksyon mo… ibiling muli ang iyong ulo, kailangan ko ng malakas na daloy mula sa dugo mo… sa sentro, sa pinakagitna ng bulusok ng iyong pagkatao, diyan, diyan, pwede bang diyan ka humugot?

Ilang minuto na ang lumilipas, kailangan kong isaayos ang relo… counting, counting… more than 30 minutes already, I have to pick up my food from the restaurant, I’m hungry but the 3 sticks of cigarette already swallowed my appetite… ‘get up off your butt,’ reality knocking back. Oh god, my calendar is swamped… I started reading all my messages already and getting back on some calls that I missed…’I’m sorry, I’m just resting for a while… I’m back, what’s that again? Oh yeah, my hands, aching for my hands salvation, sure, I will let you use it to its full…’ Shit, my food is getting cold already… ‘ok, ok…’ whew, can somebody send me a secretary… or may be make a clone of me… oh, haha, a clone of me, then i wouldn’t have to search for a sanctuary… if I find me, I will reside there and never let any body penetrate it… ‘tie a leash on my hand, let’s see if I am ready for the knockout, if not, I am ready to flee, I need my innocence and sanity, I am tired already, and my sanity? it will only come from me, just from me, at least try to win it from me…’

I sat drinking from the gourd that the last one poured…

I woke up late today, wrapped in my own flesh… breezy, the air was coming through the window shield… I could hear birds chirping as it fights the horns across the street… it sends me memories… I knocked on that old door to remind me that it’s forever closed… A memory sinking in between my teeth… ‘Did you hear it? It reverberated on the walls as I sleep…’ I opened my eyes and whisper to a new voice… ‘Will you scoop it out from me? Hold me from my back with your hands, I will welcome it…’ I am racing to the end of the line…

Saline drops as I rubbed it against my sheets… a happy lonely thought… I am still here, waiting for a moment to replace the old… ‘give me the first taste…’

To push and shove so as not to be abandoned… I have become what I fear, a woman once more, to say then mean another… just a little affirmation so as not to runaway… not a pretty sight… not a pretty tongue… I burn it every time it slips from my mouth…

‘Your hands are in my hair but my heart is in your teeth…’ Jewel is singing in my ears tonight…

In the darkness, I searched the bell tower again, someone is making all those sounds, ‘I hear you…’ louder and louder the bells rang in my ears…

I felt a soft breath brushed my neck… momentarily soothing… I stood dazed… I whispered again, ‘your scent is blurring my thoughts…’

I rushed to the window to catch some air… I wanted to scream but I whisper still… ‘I am fragile, please do not crash me…’

I look down below, I saw your smile… ‘It is so easy to fall…’

Past 3am, I’ve slept the entire day so here I am now batting with bouts of my insomnia… my cable is still out so I sat staring at my computer again. Monday, I need to ready myself for the lipstick jungle again…

I went rummaging for my notebook and organizer, went back and forth to my car, I couldn’t find where my house cleaner put some of my things… as I was scavenging from bags to another, I keep finding stuff that I’ve forgotten already, I opened my shoe rack and noticed that I keep using the same pair of shoes… I went through some boxes and happily found some pairs that I forgot already… one, two, three, and it goes on… wow, it amazed me that I piled up quite a few. I am a woman after all… some broken waiting to be sewed up, some just dusting away cuz I got fed up with it, some so tattered from endless use… it’s funny, how a certain style can define the kind of woman you are. Mine, usually black, browns and beige, all with thin heels, inexpensive but can be spiced up with different clothes, and only 2 pairs of sneakers that I hate to use. ‘You are so feminine,’ someone told me last night. I never really see myself as ‘so feminine’, but looking at the shoes, I guess there’s some truth to it but I think it’s the tough look feminine.

My friend and I went window shopping few weeks back and as we restrain ourselves from buying she pointed at a shoe, ‘Oh my god, it says Tatum all over it.’ I laughed at her, black pumps with a strap that wraps to the calves. A little sado-masochist. Haha, yeah the ‘do not mess with me, I will kill you with my shoe’ look. It pained me to walk away not buying it.

I noticed that every time I buy a pair that I like, I end up using it for an entire season, resulting to raggedy. Night after night, tripping and dancing those happy feet… day after day booting the road away. It reminded me of what Angel told me, ‘You know, love is like using a pair of shoe, use it much and it gets really tattered, you need to rest it some time so that it never gets old.’ The thought made me smile… yes it is true… tomorrow I will have some fixed… tomorrow, let’s rest our hearts first…