First Day of the year
Thursday, January 1st, 2009‘They say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.’-Grey’s Anatomy
January 1, 2009. Another day in the dash of my life that will end in a few hours as the clock endlessly ticks today… I asked my self when I woke up from the hangover of New Year, did I spend it right? Did I do everything right to start my year? Then I realize, does it really matter? Cuz no matter how we try to do things right, its things out of our control that makes the day…
My head is still a little woozy from the night that was, but all in all I just feel better within myself. I could see dawn peeping from the window of Fiamma as people still sip and gulp from their glasses of champagne and cocktails from the festivity… I stood there watching them all wasted and smiling, dancing and laughing… they were simply having fun… at the start of my party hopping all I felt was boredom and sleepiness and the need to feel better within me, I tried to smile within myself when I woke up yesterday, I cleaned my house, cooked my favorite pansit, ate my dinner alone and kill time without responsibility and care about anything else but my time and myself. Before the clock turned 12 I called up my mom and the people close to me to tell them I love them and rushed to the road to catch up to my friend who waited for me the entire night, I rushed to the road as the clock ticks and I keep telling myself I have to be at least with someone when the year starts cuz I don’t want to be alone… as the clock ticks by the minute I could feel it in me, I want to be happy…
After glasses and glasses of vodka I still wasn’t getting drunk, I nudged my friend, ‘Dear, I want to get drunk, I need to feel happy at least today, I want to so badly, look at them, I want to be like them, I want to be out of my body, drunk, wasted, drugged up or whatever. Anything, I just wanted to be happy, cuz truth is I feel terrible no matter how much I try to deny it…’ one more, one by one I was gulping and smoking things I do not want, but I wasn’t getting drunk… slowly, I was telling myself, stop it Tatum, just let it out of you already… I could hear voices of my friends from the year that was, it hits close to home, ‘Tatum, stop doing this to your self, your doing it cuz you feel bad about so many things, do you think these things feel the same, do it for you, just do it for yourself…’ ‘you’re made to be better than that, just let it be…’ I could hear voices of the life coaches, ‘Stop feeling like a victim, and start having the responsibility within you to feel better about yourself, stop blaming it on other things, just stop…’ and I did. Just like the deadline that I gave myself. I just stopped caring and free myself of it. I started to be myself again, to do things that makes me enjoy, not thinking about anything else, not thinking if anybody would care, the same Tatum that my friends like and hate about me, I will have fun and enjoy as long as I am not stepping on anything but myself and I do not need drugs nor alcohol to be that, its inane in me, I’m just fucked up crazy. I danced the way I used to, but keeping a little tact, I drank and laughed with my friends… and one by one forget the things that hurt… I don’t need it anymore to feel alive, I am alive, I feel, I breathe, I live and I am happy in some parts of me…
When I opened my eyes today, I keep tapping my heart, ‘How are you, hey, you, still there? Feeling better?’ as if it answered back and whispered to me,’ Yes, what’s up, why mind? Do you have a problem? Cuz I’m perfectly fine today…’ I was smiling as I rolled on my bed hugging my pillow… I love deadlines…
