Woke up from last nights slumber. I didn’t like the way I felt cuz of certain things. After a cold shower I readied myself for work to relieve myself from thinking. To work and toil endlessly, an escape to my predestined road. I got myself those big ass earphones and covered my ears with melancholic songs… I played Eagle Eye Cherry, some old song I rummaged from my mp3 box. ‘It’s always the same, and I’m so tired of playing this game…I’ve kept the light down, I don’t wanna get it hard, so let me tell you now, I just wanna be sure…’
I love this play list I compiled when I feel this way, it soothes me, ‘Tomorrow’s rain will wash the stains away, but something in our minds will always stay… nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could, for all those born beneath an angry star, lest we forget how fragile we are, on and on the rain will fall, like tears from a star, like tears from a star, on and on the rain will say, how fragile we are, how fragile we are…’
Fragile… I will always put that in mind… I could hear Julianne on the track again, how soothing her voice, makes me feel like driving with open windows while driving to Tagaytay on a foggy day… I want to sing together with it… ‘Everything seems different now…things are turning inside and out, with a new pair of senses to go with around, it doesn’t even matter if I’m up or down…’ Grateful, I want to sing it again. I hate that my car is busted and I can’t go anywhere and sing my lungs out in traffic…
I could feel my eyes falling down… I need to snap and work, I don’t like this feeling… I don’t like the feeling of anticipating what feels like a downfall, I want to rise above my defeat and not drown.
Last weekend while I was in Bohol waiting for the guides, I sat down with my Belgian friend and asked him if he has any collection of anything, ‘Umm not really, I have paintings but I would consider them as investments mostly, I really don’t get attach to things, cuz these are things, it just piles up and makes you hold on to it and not move on.’ ‘Oh, I thought I was weird, cuz I don’t collect anything, I have friends who collects stamps, stickers, guitars, bikes, shells, bangles, etc, then I’d look at myself and wonder why I never had the inkling of keeping things. Sometimes, I’d be up and ecstatic about something then get bored with it after a while, next thing I know it’s dusting somewhere in the house already.’ Is it the same with life? I used to think I collect memories and experiences but even those are dusting away. I like what ‘dad’ told me about the past, ‘leave it and move on.’ When he transferred to his new studio, he left his old studio with everything in it, his works for more that ten years if I’m not mistaken. ‘What?! That’s archive dad, it could be important!’ but he insisted he wants different things already; the past just hinders you for new things. Then it reminded me of actor Sean Connery, how even his trophies are dusting somewhere in his son’s cr, he doesn’t even keep them. When asked why, he explained that he doesn’t like to hold on to things of the past.
I have been in constant turmoil within myself for the past weeks, for the first time I think I am experiencing what seems to be a quarter life crisis. I want to move on to a different thing, something new, something exciting, and something that will make me feel worthwhile again but somehow I feel like I am still on the starting point. I hate this feeling of being alone and powerless and no one to take my fall, and I hate that I’m feeling this way when I know I can fix it myself. I no longer want to go where life takes me, I want to go where ‘I’ decide where to take my feet not what others bid for me. I need my ground, to reside to when I want, to leave when I want. Yesterday I was myself again, pushing life and scheduling things in order cuz I want order, I feel so cluttered that important things are pushed to the bottom. I wrote down what I need to fix as I look forward. And as I was finishing my errands for the night, my car conked down on me in the middle of the fuckin’ road. I hate it when I try to straighten my path then life knocks me off of it. As I woke up today I felt that it was indeed what I am experiencing, stuck on the road with a flat tire or an ignition that won’t start. I was on such a rush to go home last night before it happened cuz I had scheduled things to do, and everything was once again put on hold. I used to be in love with my car, but now it is just a hassle and a necessity. I’m just thankful for the people who saved me last night, I would have cried like a kid, helpless in that heated parking lot.
As I worked in the office today, I feel like a kid starting over. I need that blood, the same drive I used to carry when I was starting, the need to be better and do well with everything I touch. Mistakes are easy to straighten when you’re starting on something but at my age I feel like everything I do and act on should be well thought of, no room for failure. I feel like in my life I’ve developed a shallow foundation on the heights that I created with my hands, I always jump on things faster than I could catch my breath, now I am starting over and I want to fill the gaps on what look like stilts when I look down.
