To kill a mocking bird
‘Sit still and close your eyes, what’s behind the other door, no more silence, don’t kill this thing we got… just searching for the perfect drug… don’t look back …’ – I keep playing it last night, this morning and until now. I returned to Telepopmusik again to remind me of things that I usually forget. ‘The past is not a friend, it only reminds you of the things you no longer have.’
After a long talk with my friend I sipped on the iced macchiato and head to straighten my pathway… if I was the same as 3 months way back he would have smacked me but I was there reasoning out and airing my woes. ‘The problem is you dwell on the past, you keep blaming everything on the past, how will you ever move on if you’re like that.’ I looked at him and took another sip of macchiato waiting for my mouth to air out my defense. ‘Well, I know of all the things you guys tell me, that’s the problem, I know but I do otherwise. You know how hard it can be sometimes.’ ‘See another wrong, you’re saying it’s hard! Nothing is hard, you are so blessed yet you’re not setting yourself up to be better.’ I looked at him beaten up, ‘Rye, I was ok before, people would ask me if I was ever in a quarter life crisis and I don’t think I ever was, and in all honesty I’m not the type who never know what she wanted, but for the first time in my life I do not know what to want and not want.’ ‘Tats, I know you’re a lesbian, but even lesbians know when to call out to god.’ Umm ok, that’s a weird comment but I will dignify it. ‘Actually, last night while I was thinking on my bed, I called out to him to ask him, then I realized I choke on the words because I do not know what to ask, cuz I do not know what I want! That’s weird don’t you think? May be the problem is for the last 5 years I’ve drained my self to everything that I would want and I had it all, now I don’t know how to begin, Sara told me to move to a different level already cuz I’m done with that, want greater things naman. But you know, the most concrete thing I want now is to feel safe.’
‘The problem with you Tatum is you do not protect yourself, try to love yourself a little more before you think about others.’ I took another sip, longer this time. ‘See, that’s another thing! Ugh, it’s battling in me, if you say love my self, and protect myself, I feel like I’m being selfish, how can that be a good thing.’ ‘Well, there’s nothing wrong with being selfish especially when you’re taken advantaged of!’ ‘You give too much of yourself and you know in your head you deserve more than what you get. What did your other friend tell you, never settle for anything less.’ I feel like a lost kid getting a scolding from my guidance councilor. ‘Shit, you sound like the life coaches…’ I got my phone and called up the coach, ‘Yes babe, I need the new sched.’ A breath of fresh air, I’m headed to my straight path again. ‘Never ever lose that chain Tat. Tsk.’
We went back to the conference for the meeting. I could feel me in me, me again, talking to people higher than me, speaking to them like I could make things the way I speak it, the way I was asked. I know I can. I took out all barriers and pulled out the gray overcast over my head, I feel so free. I create heights. Yes, I am better of. ‘Tatum, there you go again, so sungit with things, so detailed and meticulous,’ my coworker commented while I was fixing some details about the coming shoot. ‘Well babe, isn’t it better that way, you guys have me again.’
I will always think of blood diamonds, how people work hard to get it. They had the taste, it was worth it.
‘Tamers care for what they have tamed. You’ll always be responsible for your rose.’— Little Prince.
‘You’ve soiled your hands with my blood, and all I can hear was sorry.’ Well I think that ‘sorry’ has a last name, meet ‘excuses’.
I could feel my head throbbing with headache. I’ve never felt this much distaste for what I’ve set my self into. A shallow pit, I know I can always get my self out of it while I’m still not limp. I finished my meal for the night, alone in some fine dining resto. Alone, I like it that way for now, it doesn’t scare me. It gives me more post. Tomorrow I’m headed for the mountains and a breath of the ocean mist. I will enjoy it and breathe every minute of being away from reality. Sunset or sunrise, I want our shoot to be like that, I want the yellows and the oranges with a little darkness biting the colors. Ugh, shit this headache.
‘I want to…I want to be someone else or I’ll explode, floating upon this surface for the birds… You want me? Fuck, well come and find me… I’ll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches and nothing…’ Radiohead is on my ears, I am mad again and it’s soothing…for now… for now…
