To cut a chord that binds…
Is this fate that life has brought upon my pathway? Do you know how instinct speaks so much, when you feel it? It is telling you that there is something wrong. I can’t blame that I am giving and trusting, I was born that way. No matter how many have lied to me, I remain sincere and true to everyone. I didn’t ask for this, to be fooled and lied on by so many.
May be I was born in the wrong era. People say I am a romantic by heart and it is true. My heart always gets the best of me, but I will not let it overpower me. I am hiding it away, locked, my mind is bigger than my heart and I should listen to it now.
I know in me that I will not grow old unhappy and alone because I have a heart that is true. Someday someone worthy will discover it and keep it away from harm. But why is it that the people that surrounds me having pages that tell of something else. Naikwento ni dad, sabi nga daw ng isang sikat na artista, Bakit ganoon, gamitin mo ang puso mo talo ka, gamitin mo ang isip mo talo ka pa din.’ Ang sabi ng malapit kong kaibigan, ‘Tatum kasi ang buhay hindi ganyan, ang isip mo ay nakalutang sa isang fairytale, hindi ganyan ang buhay.’ Siguro nga nagkamali ako ng panahon ng pagkabuhay, sana nabuhay ako nuong araw. Nung ang tao ay iisa lang ang hanap, ang maging kuntento sa isa.
May be I should believe the people who says that what’s in me is rare. Blame it on rarity, someday I will find someone like me. Diwata, tama ang hinala. Ang sabi ko ay hindi ako luluhod sa lupa. Hindi ko maintindihan, dahil hindi ako katulad nila.
Last night, I attended a house warming of a family that has something that not everyone have. Love. I felt it all over their house, I felt it when I look at their eyes. I felt it when I look at the place that they both build their dreams with. I felt it as I held my friend’s womb that they build promises on. They will name their kid ‘Sky.’ Ang sarap pakinggan, ang sarap panoorin ng kanilang buhay. On the way back home my friend said, ‘Nakakainggit diba? I guess some people do find it.’ I looked at her on my passenger seat, ‘I know right, some do, I wish we both find it too,’ I said in my sincerest of voice and I hear my voice fading as I drove my car. You won’t lose anything if you believe, cuz that’s the only precious thing anyone can hold on to. For now it warms my heart to live vicariously in their lives. I was silently observing the people in that party. They look happy, and I was overwhelmed by it. Is that the same thing I want also? Yes may be, I just want to feel safe but I never felt safe since I turned my back on my past.
I woke up today still wanting the arms of sleep. I wanted to close my eyes again but I feel that time is wasted. I took a cold bath to wake my senses. As I walk amidst the silence of my apartment I felt that I was alone and it echoes in the white washed walls. I felt the need to call my mom. I wanted to go back and be part of her. It is really hard for them back in the province and they rely on me for hope. As I hear her voice cracking on the other line, I could feel the responsibility she wants to put on my shoulders. It was a heavy burden and I fell on my floor with the gravity. As I put the phone down I stood up, but I was so weak that it brought me back down, and silently tears fell down my face. My phone squeaked with a message, I thought it was from someone who warms my heart, I needed deliverance, I looked at the name, it wasn’t her, it was an unknown number. It was her ex lover. As I scroll on the message, it just answered all the questions that always give me cold feet.
