Somewhere Over the Rainbow
‘Someday you wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where trouble melts like lemon drops high above the chimney tops… that’s where you’ll find me…’ I played Israel Kamakawiwo’ Ole version that a friend saved for me… It’s making me feel like a character from an anime, a girl holding a willow twig, looking down as the wind catches her hair… sad but soothing… its making my heart beat in a sore mood…
I sat for a couple of cigs and coffee with ‘dad’ yesterday while preparing for our shoot. He was calmer than usual, I was teasing him, ‘So dad, did you take a downer that’s why you’re not ecstatic?’ he sat on his chair as he puff on another cigarette. ‘Haay, I’m a little overwhelmed actually, I always had this vision and now that it’s all coming true I’m a little umm…’ he gave another sigh, ‘it’s on my shoulders, whew.’ I sat there smiling at him, ‘I’m so happy for you dad, awww, see be careful what you wish for cuz it might come true, and you know how it is, when it rains, it pours…’ I stroked his shoulders as we shared another stick of cigarette. Darn those cigs, I’ve been sick for almost a week now, coughing and bouts of fever… but I can’t stop huffing and puffing, I like smoking when I’m stressed and thinking, it soothes me though it kills me after…
I woke up early today, my medicine knocks me out early at night so I tend to wake up earlier than usual, 8 am, but I always end up staring up the ceiling, next thing I know I’m getting up at 11am already, late for work as usual… o well it’s over time tonight anyway so I guess it’s ok to be late… ‘I came to bring you joy today!’ our happy friend, columnist from Philippine Star came screaming on the door. ‘Hello, look at you guys, I’m suppose to make you smile, but you guys look so stressed and gloomy, look at Tatum.’ I turned my back and stared blankly at him, trying to make my weary eyes smile. I turned my head back to my computer, face went back down. I hate this. Is this what dad was referring to yesterday, the way he saw me few months back, trying to put up a happy face but everything is down. My ex told me before, ‘I saw someone who looks like you, here look,’ she opened her phone and showed me the sad emoticon. Umm okay, well that’s how she saw me I guess and that’s how it was with her. ‘You have this way of looking at me that your eyes are smiling even when your lips are not.’ someone told me under the dark. It amazed me, no one has ever told me that, I always see my eyes as the saddest eyes. Could it be that when a person sees you differently that finally, may be, it will reflect on you?
Our writer sent me a text message with some quote about taking time out for yourself, I squirmed at him, ‘did you send this by mistake?’ ‘No, I just thought it’s nice, so I forwarded it to you.’ I read through it. Can people read me like an open book, why is everyone noticing when I’m not smiling… ‘Ok, guys I have a dirty joke!’ the columnist exclaimed, ‘Tatum don’t listen!’ hello, the more my eyes turned on him as he animatedly told his joke. We were all laughing after. Then he went on with a few more gay jokes, ‘Ok! Where the hell do you get these stuff!’ I screamed at him. Ok, that’s it I think its time for a cigarette.
I got down and the rain was swallowing the entire parking lot. It reminded me of a day back in the past when I stood drenched under the rain, crying, waiting for my ex lover to open her gate. Yeah, those days, love can make someone so undignified… I got back to the elevator and I heard myself talking, ‘God I miss the other girl who talks of endless metaphors.’ I thought she could fly with me to the moon… we did, the moment she speak of, just a moment… I guess such is life, we live in certain moments but the clock pushes us back to reality… ‘Paru-parong bukid…Uy!’ my gay officemates played Nora Aunor on the speakers, oh my god, I swear who ever sent the clowns in, I’m happy cuz they’re making my day…
Ang gulo nanaman…yan yan siguro ang laman ng utak ko…
