Broken Window

‘Do you hear me? Tell me can you feel me… do you believe me or do you just fear me…better days is coming for you and for me…’ I played ‘Better Days’ on my ipod, I’m sitting on my desk again, too lazy to move my ass…

It’s a sunny day and I own my day today, no work, no hassles, no bad vibes, just me and my vanity heading to the doctor for a little cure…

Kagabi nagsulat ako sa isip ko, hapong hapo ang mga mata kaya inihiga na lang, diko mailimbag ang mga titik kaya paulit ulit kong binibigkas… sa lilim ng aking hatinggabi, ibinulong ko sa aking tanaw… nakahanap ako ng dingding na sumbungan ng aking hinaing, at tapalan ng aking mga tagpi tagping pangarap, sabi ko ipipinta ko at makikinig ang pader, ngunit mayroong bulong ang mga pader, naramdaman ko sa paghaplos ko sa muka nito… mainit, bako bako, at may mga pahiwatig… sumandal ako’t pakiwaring taimtim na ninamnam ang bawat bulong ng wika nito… naramdaman ko sa pulso ang pait at luha ng pader, muli akong humarap at yumakap… ang aking tinig na malakas ang bulukso ay nanahimik… kagabi sa aking pagmumuni, tinapik ko ang sarili… ‘nandyan ka pa ba? Bakit ang tahimik ng iyong mga labi?’ animo’y gulong naalimpungatan sa pagkabiling… tumayo at nagpaikot ikot… ‘ayoko, diko yata ninais ang manahimik.’ Lumakad ako palayo sa pader at huminto kung saan aninag ko na lang ito.
Iisipin ko na lang na isa itong Monet na painting… mas maganda pag malayo layo…

I refuse to sew my small lips and tie it in a knot… it will be such a waste. I got home with silenced veins instead. I screamed like a baby while the doctor injected the roots that I managed to build up from wearing heels. ‘Well, beauty can be a pain,’ my friend was laughing as she squeezed my hand and I screamed teary eyed. Man, is this how its going to be as I get older, going under injection after injection. The other day, while having editorial meeting with my bosses, they were talking about botox and where they had theirs done. I probably would want some of those when I reach their age as well. Yikes.

‘So what if you’re old, if you’re mind is still in its youth and you have a happy outlook it won’t matter,’ my Belgian friend told me one time as he spoke of his Aunts in Belgium. ‘She’s in her 70s-or 80s I think, and she still does a lot of physical activities, biking and jogging together with her lesbian lover.’ ‘Aww, that’s so cute!, but how does she look though?’ I asked. ‘Well, she looks like one big wrinkle to me,’ my friend said. Oh my, I felt my brows tightened. I don’t want to look like one big wrinkle. That’s so sad… oh well, such is life. Beauty fades… so I guess it’s nice to make the most of it while we still have youth in our veins. Bikini’s and short skirts has a life expectancy and an expiry date…

‘Ok that’s it, no more eating dinner at night!’ I screamed while watching the new video of Mariah Carey, she’s in the hottest black maillot and her body looks like she’s in her 20’s! Damn, so for those of us who doesn’t have the same amount of money and genes for self-preservation, I guess prevention is better than cure.

‘So we are undergoing sclerotherapy, do you have any history of allergies, complications…’ the doctor’s voice is receding in my ears as she talks of so many ‘isms’ in her medicine tongue, ‘Umm doc, so far I don’t have these history but I have history of lesbianism will that count?’ we were all laughing as the doctor stared at me in a funny way…

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