Broken Window

‘Sit still and close your eyes, what’s behind the other door, no more silence, don’t kill this thing we got… just searching for the perfect drug… don’t look back …’ – I keep playing it last night, this morning and until now. I returned to Telepopmusik again to remind me of things that I usually forget. ‘The past is not a friend, it only reminds you of the things you no longer have.’

After a long talk with my friend I sipped on the iced macchiato and head to straighten my pathway… if I was the same as 3 months way back he would have smacked me but I was there reasoning out and airing my woes. ‘The problem is you dwell on the past, you keep blaming everything on the past, how will you ever move on if you’re like that.’ I looked at him and took another sip of macchiato waiting for my mouth to air out my defense. ‘Well, I know of all the things you guys tell me, that’s the problem, I know but I do otherwise. You know how hard it can be sometimes.’ ‘See another wrong, you’re saying it’s hard! Nothing is hard, you are so blessed yet you’re not setting yourself up to be better.’ I looked at him beaten up, ‘Rye, I was ok before, people would ask me if I was ever in a quarter life crisis and I don’t think I ever was, and in all honesty I’m not the type who never know what she wanted, but for the first time in my life I do not know what to want and not want.’ ‘Tats, I know you’re a lesbian, but even lesbians know when to call out to god.’ Umm ok, that’s a weird comment but I will dignify it. ‘Actually, last night while I was thinking on my bed, I called out to him to ask him, then I realized I choke on the words because I do not know what to ask, cuz I do not know what I want! That’s weird don’t you think? May be the problem is for the last 5 years I’ve drained my self to everything that I would want and I had it all, now I don’t know how to begin, Sara told me to move to a different level already cuz I’m done with that, want greater things naman. But you know, the most concrete thing I want now is to feel safe.’

‘The problem with you Tatum is you do not protect yourself, try to love yourself a little more before you think about others.’ I took another sip, longer this time. ‘See, that’s another thing! Ugh, it’s battling in me, if you say love my self, and protect myself, I feel like I’m being selfish, how can that be a good thing.’ ‘Well, there’s nothing wrong with being selfish especially when you’re taken advantaged of!’ ‘You give too much of yourself and you know in your head you deserve more than what you get. What did your other friend tell you, never settle for anything less.’ I feel like a lost kid getting a scolding from my guidance councilor. ‘Shit, you sound like the life coaches…’ I got my phone and called up the coach, ‘Yes babe, I need the new sched.’ A breath of fresh air, I’m headed to my straight path again. ‘Never ever lose that chain Tat. Tsk.’

We went back to the conference for the meeting. I could feel me in me, me again, talking to people higher than me, speaking to them like I could make things the way I speak it, the way I was asked. I know I can. I took out all barriers and pulled out the gray overcast over my head, I feel so free. I create heights. Yes, I am better of. ‘Tatum, there you go again, so sungit with things, so detailed and meticulous,’ my coworker commented while I was fixing some details about the coming shoot. ‘Well babe, isn’t it better that way, you guys have me again.’

I will always think of blood diamonds, how people work hard to get it. They had the taste, it was worth it.

‘Tamers care for what they have tamed. You’ll always be responsible for your rose.’— Little Prince.

‘You’ve soiled your hands with my blood, and all I can hear was sorry.’ Well I think that ‘sorry’ has a last name, meet ‘excuses’.

I could feel my head throbbing with headache. I’ve never felt this much distaste for what I’ve set my self into. A shallow pit, I know I can always get my self out of it while I’m still not limp. I finished my meal for the night, alone in some fine dining resto. Alone, I like it that way for now, it doesn’t scare me. It gives me more post. Tomorrow I’m headed for the mountains and a breath of the ocean mist. I will enjoy it and breathe every minute of being away from reality. Sunset or sunrise, I want our shoot to be like that, I want the yellows and the oranges with a little darkness biting the colors. Ugh, shit this headache.

‘I want to…I want to be someone else or I’ll explode, floating upon this surface for the birds… You want me? Fuck, well come and find me… I’ll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches and nothing…’ Radiohead is on my ears, I am mad again and it’s soothing…for now… for now…

I could hear French lyrics from Axelle Red, I don’t fucking understand what it was she speaks of, my French is rusty already. I played another track, Mexican this time… sure, another different sound… I think I like to listen to tunes that I do not comprehend the lyrics anymore. Better than hearing the language that my ears are familiar with yet so hard for me to fathom…

I played the violin song that my friends used to play in the office… it’s soothing but makes my heart skip in every beat. Another change of track, ‘The Kiss,’ it silenced my ears… I plopped my head on the couch and stared… ‘Hey that’s nice, but super emo!’ my coworker exclaimed on the other couch… ‘Do you want your stress ball?’ I jokingly told her. ‘I’m ok,’ she was laughing. ‘So anyway,’ she continued. ‘About that road, there are people with goals set up for them, smart people, great people, they know the destination they want to head to and they set up their mind to do it, problem is on the way to the destination, the road is filled with things and amusement stopovers.’

‘Let’s see for example, a Carnival, the person traveling will say, ‘Oh ok, may be I can set aside a few minutes of my life checking out the sights,’ and the person heads on to the booths, on different booths were Flapping Whale, the other says, A Beautiful Siren…’ ‘Wait! Can you change the siren into a goddess instead?’ I batted in, ‘hello, there aren’t any goddess in carnivals! Mermaids na lang,’ ‘Hmp, sige na nga Siren.’ ‘OK, can I continue? Anyway, so the traveler went to the booth were the flapping whale is, he was in awe with the magnanimous weight of the whale as it goes to and fro in the aquarium and it flips, flaps, and jumps up and down, the traveler was laughing, seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours til he lost track of time studying the whale. As the whale turns and made another flop on the water the force hit the traveler and on he flies on the air landing on the booth were there sat the siren. He was still recuperating from the shock as the melodious voice of the Siren serenaded his ears… he stood up limping from the pain but overwhelmed by the beautiful glow coming from this creature, ‘heavenly’, he says, he came in closer and closer til he caught the Siren’s gaze. The creature stared at him amused by the man, the Siren closed her lips and silence fell in the air. The traveler extended his hand to the creature, she moved away and hid like a child, the man hesitated to follow but the glow keeps drawing him in, he followed and duck where the Siren hid and the pain from his leg acted up, he moaned a little in agony and the Siren went closer to him and touched his face. He stood there frozen staring at the eyes of the creature, gently she parted her lips and smiled at him. As if in a trance the traveler forgot everything til a huge flap fell on the wall dividing the booths where the whale and the siren were. The whale was creating such a cacophony that the man was rattled and strobe away from the Siren. The whale was creating those awful sounds, ‘OOOOhhhhanggggg oooohwhanghooooooo,’ – ok about this time I had to laugh at my friend, ‘fuck, babe that sounds so funny!’ I sat laughing at her. ‘Eh ano gagawin ko ganun sound ni Orca noh!’ ‘Hahaha, oh my, this is fucking hilarious! May name na ngayon yung whale?’ we were laughing and giving each other a high five.

‘Ok oh and then what happened?’ ‘Eh ayon, yung letcheng traveler pinuntahan si Orca kasi mukang kawawang ungol ng ungol.’ ‘What about the Siren?’ ‘Well, he figured since his got time, he’ll just go back some other day, mukang nag-eenjoy naman yata sa whale eh.’ ‘Fuck! Dude! You’re crazy!’ We were laughing off our butts. ‘So and then, what happened to the traveler?’ ‘Ewan, nakalimutan na yung destination nya, kung san-san pa kasi nag-stop over.’ ‘Shit, I swear to god, I want to go home already! this place is making us both insane!’ she was laughing again, ‘I know right.’ ‘Wait how come, there are only two booths in the Carnival? ‘Ok, may be we can add hairy giants, cunning sorcerers, palm readers or dancing midgets, then we can call one of the midgets Frodo,’ she laughed again. Damn, I’ll miss her when she resigns.

‘Ma’am here are the new prints,’ I stood up to check the colors for the nth time, ‘I don’t get it, how come the colors doesn’t blend evenly, here its yellow, the other is reddish, I don’t want to sign this, look,’ ‘Tatum, it looks the same to me, I swear when you’re mainit ulo you can be so OC, ’ she exclaimed. ‘Well, I have to be I guess, my senses is back in its right place.’

Is this fate that life has brought upon my pathway? Do you know how instinct speaks so much, when you feel it? It is telling you that there is something wrong. I can’t blame that I am giving and trusting, I was born that way. No matter how many have lied to me, I remain sincere and true to everyone. I didn’t ask for this, to be fooled and lied on by so many.

May be I was born in the wrong era. People say I am a romantic by heart and it is true. My heart always gets the best of me, but I will not let it overpower me. I am hiding it away, locked, my mind is bigger than my heart and I should listen to it now.

I know in me that I will not grow old unhappy and alone because I have a heart that is true. Someday someone worthy will discover it and keep it away from harm. But why is it that the people that surrounds me having pages that tell of something else. Naikwento ni dad, sabi nga daw ng isang sikat na artista, Bakit ganoon, gamitin mo ang puso mo talo ka, gamitin mo ang isip mo talo ka pa din.’ Ang sabi ng malapit kong kaibigan, ‘Tatum kasi ang buhay hindi ganyan, ang isip mo ay nakalutang sa isang fairytale, hindi ganyan ang buhay.’ Siguro nga nagkamali ako ng panahon ng pagkabuhay, sana nabuhay ako nuong araw. Nung ang tao ay iisa lang ang hanap, ang maging kuntento sa isa.

May be I should believe the people who says that what’s in me is rare. Blame it on rarity, someday I will find someone like me. Diwata, tama ang hinala. Ang sabi ko ay hindi ako luluhod sa lupa. Hindi ko maintindihan, dahil hindi ako katulad nila.

Last night, I attended a house warming of a family that has something that not everyone have. Love. I felt it all over their house, I felt it when I look at their eyes. I felt it when I look at the place that they both build their dreams with. I felt it as I held my friend’s womb that they build promises on. They will name their kid ‘Sky.’ Ang sarap pakinggan, ang sarap panoorin ng kanilang buhay. On the way back home my friend said, ‘Nakakainggit diba? I guess some people do find it.’ I looked at her on my passenger seat, ‘I know right, some do, I wish we both find it too,’ I said in my sincerest of voice and I hear my voice fading as I drove my car. You won’t lose anything if you believe, cuz that’s the only precious thing anyone can hold on to. For now it warms my heart to live vicariously in their lives. I was silently observing the people in that party. They look happy, and I was overwhelmed by it. Is that the same thing I want also? Yes may be, I just want to feel safe but I never felt safe since I turned my back on my past.

I woke up today still wanting the arms of sleep. I wanted to close my eyes again but I feel that time is wasted. I took a cold bath to wake my senses. As I walk amidst the silence of my apartment I felt that I was alone and it echoes in the white washed walls. I felt the need to call my mom. I wanted to go back and be part of her. It is really hard for them back in the province and they rely on me for hope. As I hear her voice cracking on the other line, I could feel the responsibility she wants to put on my shoulders. It was a heavy burden and I fell on my floor with the gravity. As I put the phone down I stood up, but I was so weak that it brought me back down, and silently tears fell down my face. My phone squeaked with a message, I thought it was from someone who warms my heart, I needed deliverance, I looked at the name, it wasn’t her, it was an unknown number. It was her ex lover. As I scroll on the message, it just answered all the questions that always give me cold feet.

‘Do you hear me? Tell me can you feel me… do you believe me or do you just fear me…better days is coming for you and for me…’ I played ‘Better Days’ on my ipod, I’m sitting on my desk again, too lazy to move my ass…

It’s a sunny day and I own my day today, no work, no hassles, no bad vibes, just me and my vanity heading to the doctor for a little cure…

Kagabi nagsulat ako sa isip ko, hapong hapo ang mga mata kaya inihiga na lang, diko mailimbag ang mga titik kaya paulit ulit kong binibigkas… sa lilim ng aking hatinggabi, ibinulong ko sa aking tanaw… nakahanap ako ng dingding na sumbungan ng aking hinaing, at tapalan ng aking mga tagpi tagping pangarap, sabi ko ipipinta ko at makikinig ang pader, ngunit mayroong bulong ang mga pader, naramdaman ko sa paghaplos ko sa muka nito… mainit, bako bako, at may mga pahiwatig… sumandal ako’t pakiwaring taimtim na ninamnam ang bawat bulong ng wika nito… naramdaman ko sa pulso ang pait at luha ng pader, muli akong humarap at yumakap… ang aking tinig na malakas ang bulukso ay nanahimik… kagabi sa aking pagmumuni, tinapik ko ang sarili… ‘nandyan ka pa ba? Bakit ang tahimik ng iyong mga labi?’ animo’y gulong naalimpungatan sa pagkabiling… tumayo at nagpaikot ikot… ‘ayoko, diko yata ninais ang manahimik.’ Lumakad ako palayo sa pader at huminto kung saan aninag ko na lang ito.
Iisipin ko na lang na isa itong Monet na painting… mas maganda pag malayo layo…

I refuse to sew my small lips and tie it in a knot… it will be such a waste. I got home with silenced veins instead. I screamed like a baby while the doctor injected the roots that I managed to build up from wearing heels. ‘Well, beauty can be a pain,’ my friend was laughing as she squeezed my hand and I screamed teary eyed. Man, is this how its going to be as I get older, going under injection after injection. The other day, while having editorial meeting with my bosses, they were talking about botox and where they had theirs done. I probably would want some of those when I reach their age as well. Yikes.

‘So what if you’re old, if you’re mind is still in its youth and you have a happy outlook it won’t matter,’ my Belgian friend told me one time as he spoke of his Aunts in Belgium. ‘She’s in her 70s-or 80s I think, and she still does a lot of physical activities, biking and jogging together with her lesbian lover.’ ‘Aww, that’s so cute!, but how does she look though?’ I asked. ‘Well, she looks like one big wrinkle to me,’ my friend said. Oh my, I felt my brows tightened. I don’t want to look like one big wrinkle. That’s so sad… oh well, such is life. Beauty fades… so I guess it’s nice to make the most of it while we still have youth in our veins. Bikini’s and short skirts has a life expectancy and an expiry date…

‘Ok that’s it, no more eating dinner at night!’ I screamed while watching the new video of Mariah Carey, she’s in the hottest black maillot and her body looks like she’s in her 20’s! Damn, so for those of us who doesn’t have the same amount of money and genes for self-preservation, I guess prevention is better than cure.

‘So we are undergoing sclerotherapy, do you have any history of allergies, complications…’ the doctor’s voice is receding in my ears as she talks of so many ‘isms’ in her medicine tongue, ‘Umm doc, so far I don’t have these history but I have history of lesbianism will that count?’ we were all laughing as the doctor stared at me in a funny way…

‘Someday you wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where trouble melts like lemon drops high above the chimney tops… that’s where you’ll find me…’ I played Israel Kamakawiwo’ Ole version that a friend saved for me… It’s making me feel like a character from an anime, a girl holding a willow twig, looking down as the wind catches her hair… sad but soothing… its making my heart beat in a sore mood…

I sat for a couple of cigs and coffee with ‘dad’ yesterday while preparing for our shoot. He was calmer than usual, I was teasing him, ‘So dad, did you take a downer that’s why you’re not ecstatic?’ he sat on his chair as he puff on another cigarette. ‘Haay, I’m a little overwhelmed actually, I always had this vision and now that it’s all coming true I’m a little umm…’ he gave another sigh, ‘it’s on my shoulders, whew.’ I sat there smiling at him, ‘I’m so happy for you dad, awww, see be careful what you wish for cuz it might come true, and you know how it is, when it rains, it pours…’ I stroked his shoulders as we shared another stick of cigarette. Darn those cigs, I’ve been sick for almost a week now, coughing and bouts of fever… but I can’t stop huffing and puffing, I like smoking when I’m stressed and thinking, it soothes me though it kills me after…

I woke up early today, my medicine knocks me out early at night so I tend to wake up earlier than usual, 8 am, but I always end up staring up the ceiling, next thing I know I’m getting up at 11am already, late for work as usual… o well it’s over time tonight anyway so I guess it’s ok to be late… ‘I came to bring you joy today!’ our happy friend, columnist from Philippine Star came screaming on the door. ‘Hello, look at you guys, I’m suppose to make you smile, but you guys look so stressed and gloomy, look at Tatum.’ I turned my back and stared blankly at him, trying to make my weary eyes smile. I turned my head back to my computer, face went back down. I hate this. Is this what dad was referring to yesterday, the way he saw me few months back, trying to put up a happy face but everything is down. My ex told me before, ‘I saw someone who looks like you, here look,’ she opened her phone and showed me the sad emoticon. Umm okay, well that’s how she saw me I guess and that’s how it was with her. ‘You have this way of looking at me that your eyes are smiling even when your lips are not.’ someone told me under the dark. It amazed me, no one has ever told me that, I always see my eyes as the saddest eyes. Could it be that when a person sees you differently that finally, may be, it will reflect on you?

Our writer sent me a text message with some quote about taking time out for yourself, I squirmed at him, ‘did you send this by mistake?’ ‘No, I just thought it’s nice, so I forwarded it to you.’ I read through it. Can people read me like an open book, why is everyone noticing when I’m not smiling… ‘Ok, guys I have a dirty joke!’ the columnist exclaimed, ‘Tatum don’t listen!’ hello, the more my eyes turned on him as he animatedly told his joke. We were all laughing after. Then he went on with a few more gay jokes, ‘Ok! Where the hell do you get these stuff!’ I screamed at him. Ok, that’s it I think its time for a cigarette.

I got down and the rain was swallowing the entire parking lot. It reminded me of a day back in the past when I stood drenched under the rain, crying, waiting for my ex lover to open her gate. Yeah, those days, love can make someone so undignified… I got back to the elevator and I heard myself talking, ‘God I miss the other girl who talks of endless metaphors.’ I thought she could fly with me to the moon… we did, the moment she speak of, just a moment… I guess such is life, we live in certain moments but the clock pushes us back to reality… ‘Paru-parong bukid…Uy!’ my gay officemates played Nora Aunor on the speakers, oh my god, I swear who ever sent the clowns in, I’m happy cuz they’re making my day…

Ang gulo nanaman…yan yan siguro ang laman ng utak ko…

It’s 888 today, people are getting married and saying their bows and promises, umm, good luck to them haha, well if it’s love then good, great love is thicker than oak, haha but marriage? I don’t believe in that… well gez this stuff doesn’t always apply with my beliefs…

I woke up today late for my preprod meeting with ‘dad’, I turned from my pillow without recollection of how I slept the night before. I rushed to my car only to find out it won’t effin start. I rushed to hail a cab without makeup, carrying all my stuff on my shoulders… I was expecting to see a gray haired man greeting me with shouts of disappointments in me but as I opened the door an old man greeted me head bangin’ with his hands swaying ala air guitar and dancing to and fro in ‘We Built this City’ while he smokes his Philip Morris. ‘Dad, dahan dahan, ang taas mo ha!’ I was joking with him. ‘I was in tears this morning cuz of happiness,’ he stated. He opened a plastic envelope, ‘I was so excited to share this with you,’ he opened the prototypes of his new project… I looked at him and how his happiness was showering over me, it made me so happy to see someone this ecstatic and excited for something, it’s changing my mood as well… I drank 3 cups of coffee to keep up with him. How I love dad, his visions touches my heart and inspires me to do great so I can be like him in the future, graying but forever happy and in love with his creations… I heard my phone squeaked, I looked down and saw Angel greeted me, I love this day, all the inspiring aura from last year was coming back, it gives me so much hope… it’s a great day after all, everyone should be inspired and happy, no nega vibes!!! I breathed in all the gifts that it could bring everybody… ‘Let’s welcome the age of Aquarius!’ Angel said, yes my fellow aqua, it’s our time to reign, I was laughing as I typed on my keypad.

Laughter, I have a lot coming in and going out of my mouth. What a happy day, no need for Disneyland to make me sing Hakuna Matata the entire day… I went back home to change and get help for my car, my car who’s being so fuckin’ ksp to me every week, god he’s getting more expensive than me… ‘Well cuz your attention has been spilled to another…’ I thought I heard him speak as I tried starting the ignition for the nth time… haha, crazy Tats…

After the mechanics fixed the problem I was so alive again singing and dancing with Beyoncé’s ‘Beautiful Nightmare’ …’you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare, either way I don’t want to wake up from you… my guilty pleasure, I ain’t going no where…’ my shoulders and hips are fighting over my car seat ahaha… ‘Tonight Tatum, hold it, you can dance to and fro to the beat of Zion…’ ‘God, look at her, acrobatic nanaman,’ I heard my officemate while I was grinding again at the office… ‘I feel so good today! Don’t you guys feel the same?’ I asked all of them, ‘No, I don’t feel so good.’ With a strong period on the last sentence. Whoookay! Haha as if telling me to keep my happy smile away from them or they might kick me… ok, darn the coffee and all the caffeine is wearing off, I think I’m going to keep my energy for now… I played another on my speakers, ‘be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it…’ yeah those pussies singing ‘When I Grow Up’.

“He is a shoe that walks away: “I will not go where you want to go.” “Why, then, are you a shoe? “I’m not. I have the sole of a lover but don’t know what love is.” “Discover it, then.” “Will I have to go where you go?”– I read this from a friend’s blog. It’s a line from a poem; it caught my breath for a few seconds, sad, sad voice…

I sat on my chair tired from my days offering, I just wrapped up my shoot, women, a lot of them today, different shades, different modes, chosen from a list of substantial candidates, well so they say… god they are all tiring… a deep sigh exhausted from my mouth… another resignation… I came home with a bag of new toys for my Friday shoot, as I dumped it on my floor I looked around and saw all the other new toys that I piled up, my empty canvas still waiting for life…

I washed up trying to renew my senses but I’m still tired… I thought of all the things that could make an artist full of excitement and I think I have some on the tip of my fingers, dangling them for a while so I could get back my energy… I stared on the water going down the drain… ‘That’s me a little drained’… just for the day… I know I asked for it and I’m very thankful… one by one, I will fill everything up and finish… but now, oh I think I will have to rest for a while so I could still have air for the coming days…

“Damn, I need a date for Belo’s anniv…’ my photographer friend blurted out frustrated on his phone, he wanted me to join him but my plate is so full I don’t want to end up not showing up… I stared at him, what a lovely dilemma, anyone would love to go with him to see Dita Von Teese in flesh, ‘Oh honey, I know, you could get any date you want, but it’s a matter of do you want to just ask anybody.’ I gave a deep sigh. Yes, dates… with the activities we have in this industry it’s easy to get a date, things could get really exciting but sometimes you only have a few you want to share it with cuz the others you bring along puts it to waste or puts you to waste…

I am pooped and tired… sleep is calling me anytime now but I’m still here wasting time… I could feel a hand grasping my neck, it’s soothing…’could you let it stay, longer, this neck is weary and tired please do not break it, it needs a resting ground…’

‘It’s not that we’re scared, it’s just that it’s delicate…’ I am playing Damien Rice again… I missed him, I haven’t been listening to him in ages… ‘So why do you fill my sorrow with the words you’ve borrowed from the only place you’ve known…’

‘You give me miles and miles of mountains and I’ll ask for the sea…’ I feel like he’s serenading me to sleep and here I am slowly thumping my fingers on my keypad… sleepy… I woke up today alive as ever, awake as before… delicate…

I’m staring at the things that I have to accomplish, it’s heavy but I want to dangle it in my eyes… I will lie down for a while, think of how someone used to sing me a lullaby as I close my eyes… I am fragile, so as everything I touch…

I hit the mute button to silence the music. I don’t think I’m petrified of silence anymore… it’s soothing that way…

White, same as the surface of the canvass I have in my hands… I’ll paint colors on it… neons, nothing pale, everything thick and heavy…

‘Let me tell you about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, the moon up above, and the thing called love…’ I could hear Ate V singing from my officemates computer, everyone stood up dancing ala Brady Bunch, swaying to and fro with funny smiles on our faces… I love our funny team, everything is all about laughter… we just got off the phone from our Editor’s scolding, and look at these guys, dancing and laughing… I love the energy of the editorial team it lifts up anyone who woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

The wrong side of the bed, that was I today the second time I opened my eyes and read my phone messages… disappointments. Tsk, what the fuck will I do with it, let it bounce that’s what…

‘God, Tatum, you forgot to wear your pants again?! That’s even shorter than your dress yesterday!’ I stood by the mirror looking at the ceiling, ‘Really? Darn, sometimes I think my long tops can be dresses too,’ I smiled at them. ‘Well that’s why I wore a long jacket!’ as I passed by the glass door I saw myself, shit, I really looked like I forgot my pants… darn this dress is short. Oh well, good thing I wore flats or else I’ll be walking sex again, it makes anyone who sees it feel uneasy. Was staring at myself at the mirror before I slept last night, shit, I have aged. And darn this bindi looking pimple on my forehead is really annoying me today, as I turned my head on my pillow I thought to myself, may be I’m becoming a unicorn. Haha, such silly little thoughts.

On my way to work I played the loudest bass music I could play, I need to blur my thoughts again, no words should come out from it cuz I’m playing Alchemist who wants to discover the Philosopher’s stone and usually it produces negative results.

‘Ate!, forgot to show you our childhood photos, look…’ ‘Tatum, parang ang bait mo dito oh,’ my officemate said, haha, god, so cute, I was always in tightly combed pigtails and smiling in a very innocent big smile… I can’t stop smiling now, I was just talking about having little Tatum’s in the future, I wonder if they will look like me, talk like me, act like me, hmmm, oh god scary…

I popped a new track on my ipod, ‘Happy I’m gonna be happy, feeling so happy, can’t you see I’m happy now…’ there there, my shoulders are on beat again, I love how music can easily change my mood… I walked to Starbucks few buildings from my office. ‘Venti Caramel machiatto with double shot espresso and hazel nut ice shaken please,’ ‘You sure maam? That has double shot already,’ ‘What?! You mean I have 4 shots of espresso all the time?’ god that’s why I’m always extra hyper. Shucks. I got back to the office to tell them about it, yeah like it was such breaking news. As I started talking, I could hear my words skip beats by millisecond, I was talking super fast… there you go, the espresso shots are working again…