Blunt
Woke up hungry, irritated and cranky… it’s past 9pm and I have to finish on so much that I piled up on my plate. I moved my head in the dark anticipating the Tatum I know but I’m just plain cranky…
I walked to the food chain across my street, they were playing this annoying band that reverberates in their fucked up speakers, I breathe momentary the patience in me and order all the food I want. My food arrived wrapped in the banana leaf I specifically instructed them not to put my food in. I breathed again to take flight, higher, higher, I will not scream. I waited patiently as they served it back… spoon after another I wanted to throw up. Darn, it was bland. Never mind, I will tuck in my boiled anger. As I was paying for my meal, the band keeps ringing in my ears, ‘Argh, you’re sound system sucks!’ and before I could hold myself I think I screamed ‘Argh!’ again and walked out mad at their door. Shit, I couldn’t hold it, I was just plain cranky. I could feel it in me as my cousin walked back to the apartment with me. I didn’t want to speak nor face anyone cuz I will totally explode. I know me, I can be easily provoked in this state. I still want to sleep but I need to finish…
To count the minutes, that’s what I want to do right now, to stare at the ceiling and think of a serene land. ‘Hold me to the ground and pin me down…’ I whispered as I stare at the frame on my desk.
Earlier today I received gifts that I could process in my heart. I touched a soul today and she thanked me in more ways than one. I smoked a cigarette with her and told her, ‘it’s ok babe, things happen you know, let it be bygones, let it bounce and laugh at it, it’s a stupid mistake, look at me, I laugh at my misfortunes, that way no one can make you feel bad.’ I hugged her and thanked her for making me feel I have a gift in me. To be easily talked to and to share their secrets with, without judgment and spite… ‘I will not forget you, I feel like a thorn was taken out from my chest,’ she said as if she would break in to tears. I smiled at her, still lacking sleep and good state of mind.
‘You know, you have fans here,’ I looked at her with bewildered eyes, ‘Huh?’ ‘They read up on you, and look for you if you’re not here,’ she followed. ‘Oh my,’ I said, ‘What do you mean?’ ‘I don’t know, I think they follow your writings, see you’re not even a celebrity and you have fans,’ we were laughing. ‘You’re a character Tat,’ she said in her motherly tone. I looked at her as I put my hand under my chin, ‘You know, that scares me sometimes, there’s this song, I have this song that resonates in me, it’s ‘Blunt’ it’s a long ass lyrics but it’s really how I see it… ‘I don’t want to be beautiful… no one ever hears her speak, I don’t want to be a diplomat, with a heart attack for peace, all that I need is a fire escape, all that I need is a stone, everything that starts out burning, ends up overgrown, I don’t want to be an astronaut, I’ve flown higher on my own, I don’t want to be a movie star, I don’t need to be alone, all that I need is a blunt excuse, all that I need is a ruse, everything that starts off burning, ends up feeling used, I don’t want to be president, there’s some things I’d like to keep, I don’t want to be a nightingale, I don’t need to feel that cheap, all that I need is an antidote, all that I need is a muse, everything that starts off burning, ends up feeling used…’ she smiled at me as I recite it to her… I can be melancholic sometimes, I just want to feel safe…
As we journeyed the way back to Manila, my head was in the clouds, thinking of someone… I told another before that in my arms she would always feel safe, and I’ve kept my end of the bargain… ‘Me when will I feel safe in you, did you feel the weight in my stare? I could hear you speak but is that the way you feel, i could feel your sadness, and it is what I’m taking in.’
