Broken Window

I woke up with a smile over a pang of hangover. Yes finally over, what a fuckin breather… I just didn’t care… I’m playing Rihanna, ‘The only problem is that you were using me in a different way that I was using you, but now that I know… you gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you.’

I keep trying to feel where my heart is and thank god it is intact, it is in me, and it’s laughing at all the silly names I stamped on it for the past months. Mine, in me, and not for me to share, and I’m not in love, may be I was, let’s just say it was momentary blindness after being heartbroken… another relapse, that almost had me collapsed. haha see it’s even rhyming.

I only get infatuated with kind people that manages to earn my respect and admiration who likes me back as well, but once the ugly win the good side, it makes my stomach churn. The other tried to explain some things that happened, but you know who the hell cares anymore, its over and done with, the truth remains that I cried, I was lied to and cheated on, I was broken to bits, and to top it off fooled the second time, but I have a very forgiving heart, it doesn’t hold grudges, it just doesn’t care and I am whole again and laughing, being the usual jolly me who easily bounces back from misfortunes… They will always have what i don’t have and i will always hold something that they don’t. I don’t have any feeling to describe it, not hurt, not revengeful, not resentful, not even sad, may be just resigned and at peace. And I love this feeling, for the past days I’ve been sleeping like a baby. No longer in my head, and I’m so tired talking about it, it gets so tacky. LESBIANS always equates to DRAMA. And we all won the best actress award. Did I just hear the crowd clap, oh exhilarating, let’s all take a bow, yes, it’s been one hell of a performance, you need to be commended.

Resolved, finally.

I just have a funny thought in my head now, I was watching ‘How I Met your mother.’ And they were talking about the glass shattering and seeing all the bad sides and the ugly quirks. I am seeing all of the ugly parts and its so funny, that look, that smile, it’s not cute to look at anymore, it gets old. I’ll say what Ted said, ‘gone.’

‘Communication’ the coach echoed in the room yesterday. ‘If people only communicated in ways that they would understand each other, then there wouldn’t be any conflict.’ They taught us so many things in understanding people yet everything they said resonates in my head like an endless exercise I have to practice every single moment in dealing with people. It’s like applying “The Secret’ all over again, oh god, after I listened to the audio book I was so tired the next day trying to silence my head of my thoughts. ‘Shit I’m gonna be late,’ is in my head but the book says to tell yourself. ‘I will get there.’ Well, I figured the only key is to have a positive outlook.

I had so much fun at the party last night that I end up chugging the wine and vodkas in my hand. I’m so happy for the organizers the event was indeed successful. My problem was discipline, I was enjoying too much that I got so drunk and got home morning already and I wasn’t able to wake up for my last session at 9am and to top it off I was so late for the NU gay pride reunion on the radio and my voice was so husky from hosting the event last night. Darn, I keep forgetting my spoonful of happy oil. I even bumped on a taxicab last night driving on the way home… haaay Tatum, you are so back. Anyway, I hope I did ok though; I love being of help to my community…

Happiness and Fun, that’s also what I’ve learned from the past days. Happiness stands long term, same with the people you welcome in your life. There are those that warms us with single moments, these are the people who enjoys ‘fun’ with you being in their life but loses touch once the fun is over. Happiness on the other hand resides from the people you let in, even in times when the fun is over; they are still by your side. I can’t wait for my next schedule so I can make up for my loss today. As I stare and simmer on the life coaches yesterday, I noticed that they are all happy and welcoming people. My group texted me today that they missed my energy in the group, I was so sorry that I wasn’t able to make it but it warms my heart to have these people affirm your existence even just for a while.

Thinking too much? Maybe just thinking about my actions and the results of everything that I act on. In life, you can’t just want all the things you want and not be aware of the consequences after. Life can be ugly, but there are people who makes it uglier.

I closed my eyes last night and had the best sleep I could have in ages. Rest, silence and peace. No, no longer in my head. It’s a waste of my time. My head will never be in the cleanest of slate but I know that my morals will always be what they are. I am just thankful that I am me. Yes, sip and spit out, like an unwanted red wine…

Funny that I just laugh at everything now. It is true that life has a balance of beautiful and ugly things, the ugliest of it all just surfaced and I don’t think I want to be a part of it. You run away from drama yet you are the cause of it. You entangled yourself in a web of lonely hearts and when it gnaws on you, you end up washing your hand. Tsk, I use to admire how you are, but now, I just shake my head. Me and the other one were victims of your feline paws. What happened between me and the broken mind caused the both of us to be sad and then you try to straighten it for the one who cried the most but in the end you end up making it worse. Now me and the broken mind end up wanting to hurt each other by using you. I don’t think that is nice. I don’t think that’s even right. Hands down, my story is done.

Away from it all, that’s where I am. It’s breezier here, ‘pop’ says the camera, the supermodel is stripping naked while she dawns the dress for the next fashion spread. How much fun this is, beauty, I’m always surrounded by it. Superficial as it may seem but this is where I am free. ‘oh god, guess who I saw?’ the stylist told me, ‘oh darling, I know.’ Sigh. ‘When I saw them I was like, shit does Tatum know.’ Well apparently I do and the thing is, I am not the only one who says that it was wrong. Another friend tapped my phone last night, ‘Tat, I can’t believe you let them do this to you!’ we were laughing, ‘Yeah I know right, well another one for the laughs!’

Anyway, such is life, I know where I stand with friends who looks after me and cares for me just cuz I’m me to them. And Friendship? I don’t have to open a dictionary to know its meaning, friendship has a lot to do with trust, loyalty, and caring for each other and being sensitive about what will hurt or not. Real friends stick with you in fun and troubles and most of all in times when you’re hurting. ‘She should know better,’ another one uttered. Well, It’s tiring! I need a new story, by god, these characters just took up pages in my head. Yet no matter how much I try to rewrite, such are the things that happened. I do not regret anything, it was a fun filled chapter. I’m on to the next.

No longer in my lips… ‘You need to have a cleansing of some sort, you attract nega vibes!’ my gay friend told me as I put down the phone after being scolded by the editor. ‘I wonder why you magnet bad energy’, I laughed. ‘This isn’t you, Tatum is jolly, carefree, and worry free.’ The other was laughing, ‘You need some sort of amulet to ward you off bad spirits!’

My god, this is just getting worse. First ‘Life Coaches’, then the other said ‘Go back to God’ umm hello, then now ‘Feng Sui’ and amulets? This is getting crazier by day. So funny! This isn’t me, I am ME! I hear Madonna on my ipod, ‘I’m not your bitch don’t hang your shit on me!’

‘You guys are all victims!’ two guys screamed in unison as I finished the last sentence of my story tonight. And I sat there smiling crookedly. I just found a new way to release the voices in my head. I know already that what they introduced to me tonight will be a start of a new addiction, but this will be a good one.

I sat for almost 5 hours reciting an entire movie script to two guys who looked so willing to listen. I called Mr. Magician last night for help, and here they were ready to anchor me into a new world of discovery. ‘Life coaches’, I told everyone today, and they were all happy and hopeful for me to finally move on to a better place. I told a colleague earlier at the shoot, ‘you know what I want? For one day to see you and for you not to hear anything about this story ever again.’

Buried in oblivion? Is that what I want? But after tonight why is it that when I was asked the question, ‘Why do you want to keep the other one?’ and I said, ‘cuz I saw the beautiful part, and god damn, it is so precious.’ He said, ‘So what if comes the time that you finally accepted the ugly part?’ I opened my eyes so wide I was scared that it might hurt my eyes. I freaked, ‘Ugh! No way! Then it will be damn nation for me!’ I told him, I wanted so bad to see an ugly side so once and for all the pedestal will corrode. And it did, and I feel so free and resigned. He said, ‘You know, you want it to stay because it gives you happiness but in order for you to keep the happy part, you have to rid yourself of expectations and your belief system.’ ‘What’s wrong with putting someone on the pedestal?’ I smiled in my evilest of grin, ‘Dear, why would I want that when I want ‘ME’ to be on the pedestal!’ they both laughed at me, ‘did you just hear yourself? That’s exactly what is wrong!’ I smiled at both of them, ‘Honey, my ego is bigger than my head, by far that is something I know the truest!’ we were all laughing. Damn these guys, they are good.

Mr. tech said, ‘Stop looking at your brain, look down below, look here.’ He was pointing at his chest and circling his hand near his heart. I moved my head disapproving. ‘Nuh-ah,’ to look there is by far the worst suggestion they gave me tonight. I know myself too much to look at that part of me, that part sucks, that part is weak. Why would anyone want to look there? They both smiled, ‘Oh dear you will know the answer on the sessions. I think that’s what you are looking for all the time, answers.’ Aren’t we all? Isn’t that the only thing we all look for? ANSWERS… I need it so I can move one foot after the other… TRUTH, I told them, I’d rather know the truth than swim in the ignorance that won’t hurt me. Both of them echoed in chorus again, ‘Honey, you can’t handle the truth!’ We were all laughing again.

He said, ‘funny, I just saw ‘Sex and the City’ and listening to you, well you remind me of Carrie!’ I smiled at him, ‘Babe, watching her go through her dull pages were like watching what happened to me, and mine just had more ooohs and aaaahhhs minus all the expensive Louis and Manolos.’ He said, ‘God I didn’t finish it, it’s such a chick flick.’ In my head was, ‘Ay, you just listened to me, it was more enticing cuz it had lesbians in the content.’ Men, I smiled at the both of them.

As I opened my car to leave I told them, ‘You know, I had a good time with you guys, yes, this is the reason why sometimes you got to love men.’

I came from a wake today. Wakes makes me uneasy, there’s just something about the dead and the atmosphere… a thin line between living and the ones who are free… I never really look on the coffin; they give me bad dreams… bad dreams… I think I have a lot already as it is…

I feel so tired and sluggish today… I guess that’s just it, I am exhausted with so many things in my life… I opened my phone and read on the messages… yes, tired on all of it… I just want to rest… I want to regain my energy so I can start dancing with my happy feet. I have a busy schedule the entire week and I just found a new inspiration to keep me going…

I had so much fun last night at the VDAY event. So many Vagina chanting together in chorus, I covered my ears momentarily to trap the echoes… they screamed…’Pukeeeeeeeeeeee… eh… eh… ehhhhh!’ Oh god, I thought my head would explode. I was so late that my friends missed most of the first part that I ended up paying for all the tickets, harr, it’s always expensive to arrive late… at least we did not miss the Vagina moans, now that has always been my favorite, it was about the monologue of the lesbian lawyer, umm, who just loves making vagina’s happy. So hilarious… Stand up comic, it’s fun to watch stuff like that, I always wanted to try it one of these days… but you know, it’s much harder to make people laugh than cry.

After the play last night my friends and I head out for a little chat and drinks. I was so proud of one of them, how she plans to come out of the closet soon. She said, ‘Haay dear for now, I will find you a match and I will live vicariously through your life…’ It touched me. I just cancelled a hosting thing but my friend talked me out of my fear. I looked at how free I live my life. I’m done with hiding in my closet, my family knows, my friends knows, everyone knows, and being out has done me good than bad… yes I guess, I am loud, out and proud of what I am… say that again? ‘Yes, Long live the Vagina pleasers!’

I called up my ex the other night, I told her, ‘honey I want to give you a heads up, I will come out again, I know you hate it cuz it makes you ashamed of me, but I feel like I have a responsibility.’ Well, she was laughing and got a little scared again but I told her I will never drag you down, you will always be safe. But me? Safe? Oh shit, me and my mouth, it’s a scary combination, it’s usually where the troubles arise, but then someone told me today, ‘you know, troubles always comes, just live your life.

Anyway, i called up Mr. Magician tonight, i called him up cuz i think my self-help ’self’ has done more troubles for my weary eyes. I tried to correct all the nega vibes in my life but my guilt and conscience gets in the way and i end up going back again… i went sober, it fucked up, i went dry, it fucked up more, so now I think I need professional wisdom… as the conversation went on he told me of 3 stages. What’s funny is I know these things and I applied them all, but i just keep going back to where I started and i think everything I have worked on to get to this stage might just corrode again… so much for trying to know-it-all. Ms. Water bearer just called it quits, go Mr. Magician, work your magic on me, may be the water might just touch me this time…

As i put the phone down, my cousin looked at me, she was teary eyed, she was so worried… she said, ‘Ate, i feel so sad for you, why? you are even older than me, and i know you can’t take it anymore, now you are really asking for help. It makes me so sad to see that you can’t handle what is going on.’ I hugged her, I hugged her tight trying to be strong and without batting an eyelash. I was sorry for her to see me broken down before her. I was her strong spirit, I was her inspiration, I’m supposed to serve as her guidance but for her to see me losing my mind because of what monsters have done… shit it broke my heart… I wanted to blame it on someone, why, if she can’t see her Ate handle her own fears how will she handle hers. Who will she look up to now? Whose footsteps will she follow? I told her, ‘May be it’s like this when you have no post to lean on, may be it’s cuz I was forced to be an adult and I’m not ready, may be cuz I have no parents to rely to cuz I have to be a parent to them…’ Oh how sorry I was to see her like that. Lost like I was… I scared her…

Sometimes I wonder why I was made this way… this soul, so trusting, sometimes knowing yet so naïve, sometimes smiling yet so forlorn, colorful sometimes but so fragile. Fragile… that’s me… fragile… and I was battered and torn… How can I fix a mess when I am my own mess, but I have to be strong, I know I am, I will be more… yet I know, I will always be just a little girl…

Put together a pair who came to the venue still drunk from a night of partying without sleep and you get a perfect recipe for losing the race.

I was so gung-ho when I got to the BMW showroom this morning, since last night I wanted to fuckin kick some ass after seeing evil roamed my sight. Oh how mad I was. I wanted to put everything into the race. Silly ass me, tired, hangover, and without sleep. Then they assign me to a 17-year-old actor who came straight from Emba without sleep and with a bad hangover.

As we started the game my mind was still up and alert, the usual energizer bunny, I answered the first query the fastest I could muster. We were one of the leading teams but I felt that my teammate had so little energy, while me, driving like a fuckin mad racer along c-5 and Libis. He was supposed to be the navigator and me, well the crazy ass driver. As I step on the pedal ‘feeling’ like fast and the furious I relied on him for the directions, silly little minor would tell me to go left when I’m past the block already, in return I would be late turning or would almost hit cars. He would speak in the lowest of voice, ‘here turn left here… ok just stay on the left…’ umm hello?! Could you boost me up a bit, cuz I really want to win!

When we get to the pit stops to claim our clues, he wouldn’t even run, he would walk the slowest and chat with other teams. Hello hello again mister! I knew from then that we wouldn’t have a fuckin chance from those big muscle men we were competing against. How sad. Why am I always teamed up with males that are not motivated! I want boosters, I want a fuckin Spartan shouting on me so I will keep abreast. I didn’t sleep but I was willing to try. Damn, same shit when I joined a race for Nivea, my entire team composed of comedians would think of cheating before using their minds. A player from Amazing Race even lost her interest on winning and had her massage instead. Grrr… why o why… who wants to be the last team to arrive!

Anyway, I enjoyed it never the less, fuckin cool to drive the new BM with their new GPS navigation system. Funny though, I was the only one who scratched a car, owww! Stupid me in a hurry I hit the gutter again, yay! Thank god the car is insured! Come lunch time my energy was going low… loooooowwww, lowwww, loooow… til I fell asleep on the lunch table only to wake up on a new challenge fixing the tiniest puzzle with 500 parts, ugh, my mind wasn’t working anymore! When the physical challenge was up, I could barely run while my partner run past me. I miss my friend in the States; she would make a good partner. Well, the fun part was I made new friends, I guess I always do… you lose some you gain some.

The sleep after was heavenly; I haven’t slept so deep I reached R.E.M. In my dreams though, I was hurting, I had worries. In my dreams, the monsters keep playing their roles. And I keep asking my intuition why. Sometimes when you hurt so deep you want to act in unlawful revenge, and I could. But why would I even waste time, if you try to correct evil with something more evil, what good will it do to you, nothing, it will just all roll back again. And I thought to myself, is this hell? Are these the characters that I would dance the beat of Zion with? I’d rather be in heaven then, where I would find real Angels to protect me. Hold me, keep me safe from harm, I want to sleep at night without worries… I keep replaying the things that she would say, the things that used to give me strength… they were all lies…

I feel like a kid again, lost of words and ideals. Then I looked at all of us, these women, me, these lesbians… are we what the younger ones should look up to? We are all damaged; we are all devil’s advocate, who would guide them when no one guides us.

Oh don’t worry I know. I know of their sins…

Doesn’t matter now… ugly things wrapped in fuckin candy… been there, done that, fucked up how many times… you know what’s funny? my heart is intact, it’s mine. I do not let any thief sneak and grab it from my glass shelf. ’ then Juliette Binoche followed suit, ‘if you steal someone’s heart, it’s a real crime, what are you gonna do then, call a police?’ fuck the police, my green heart might be covered with dark already before they will even rescue me.

Good news is, I’m still me, no matter how i want to put their hearts in a stake and burn it like fuckin heretics, well, they can never make me into a monster. I realize now, that no matter how ugly they put me through, that I am still the same person wrapped in green… I remember, it came from the feline’s mouth herself, she said, ‘you know, if a person is really not like that then no matter how they try they will still go back to their old self.’ I know now when she said she’s the ugly kind. I know. I am still thankful that I am what I am, broken as it is but with a soul, no I am not empty, I will never be.

It’s sad cuz there are lesbians like these, women like them makes lesbians have a bad name, god I so want to be straight.

Anyway, i have so many things in life more exciting than having kebabs. My life is always interesting. They can laugh at my back, they can play Alfie or Shane all they want, it’s their choice to be ugly souls… What’s funny is they said so many bad things about each other but they still stick together.

I played Alchemist and I just discovered the Philosopher’s stone, and it’s not a pretty one. Have you seen the last episode of L word when Jenny caught Nikki and Shane fucking? The way Shane looked asking for Jenny’s forgiveness… she looked like shit, like a fuckin dirt… fuckin unworthy. Who wants to be that, it’s not cool…

Tomorrow i will have fun racing around, and the next? … the next days? damn the calendar is flooded… I don’t think I have time to mope around…

Anyway, abstinence? hmmm… i think i will put down the flag… i’m craving for raw meat, my diet might just be stashed somewhere else for now… yes, now, i’m famished… what did you say again ms. Keira Knightley? sure can i see what’s behind the cover?

I talked to my old bunny today… i missed her voice, I will never stop caring for her and protecting her, even if it means protection from me.

you know what’s sad? is when you find love and you cannot keep it because you are both in different worlds and reality just don’t allow it, not because they fell out of love… when you love someone you work out your differences, but the world was our enemy… how can you fight together when you are in different sides… how can you fight together when you love yourself more than the other… it will never work… there will always be one crying the most… life is never a fairy tale…

To those thief of hearts… well my words are wasted on you, or better to say, what I am is wasted on them… ‘instead of making me better, you keep making me ill…’