identity
‘Fuckin photo copy!’ I told my friend. It’s weird, I got my hair changed cuz I didn’t want to resemble Xerox yet now people mistake me for someone else. I don’t know if it’s good or bad.
I hate people who wants to be somebody they’re not, yet here I am sitting on a long table with people mistaken me for another person. It must be the new hairdo. I came out from the salon today feeling good about my hair. I called up my friend tonight cuz I was so pissed and I told her I wanted a new ‘do’. She was more than willing to accompany me to her hair stylist, goddamn; it’s expensive to feel good. As I paid for my treatment and my new cut I keep telling myself ‘It’s ok, it’s fuckin worth it.’ yet still worried that the blow dry and the treatment wouldn’t be the same when i wake in the morning.
As we walked away from the salon, people just keep staring, ‘it’s the fuckin blow dry!’ I told my friend, ‘I love the stylist!’ I told her she’s a good ego booster. If you ever want to feel good, you go to her. She makes you fuckin look like sex. Oooh sex, I told my friend, ‘damn, doesn’t everybody wants to look desired?’ we were laughing as we walked out.
I had a blast at dinner tonight. My friend brought me to meet new people, new faces and a bunch of United Colors of Benetton. As I drove around Makati today, we were still texting, ‘I don’t know if I’m alcoholic or just depressed but I just opened another bottle of tequila at home,’ she said. I told her, ‘Sorry babe, I have an early shoot tomorrow, I have to get some rest but darn I just keep driving around Makati smoking my pack of cigs.’ Driving, it usually gives me peace nowadays. But I was a little tipsy that I had to bring myself back to reality. ‘It’s dangerous you know, driving around like that,’ my friend told me knowing I get lost and thoughts flying all the time.’ I couldn’t help it, pushing the gas and speeding gives you power, makes you believe you are in control, it’s freeing, I free my mind with thoughts that I don’t want to ponder on. Primera, Tersera, I keep pushing til I hit 120-160. It’s scary, I scare me sometimes but it feels so fuckin good. Better than any rush.
I dreamt about being late again, I always seem to have that recurring dream. Rushing for something big but not making it. It’s disappointing. ‘Is it the same with reality?’ I asked myself, knowing that I am rushing all the time. Shit, I have to be settled and in control. Shit, Shit, Shit. Change and discipline, I told myself. You need to apply it.
