Broken Window

I am writing again about love…its everywhere, I felt it since my year started…I loved and enjoyed every single bit of it…I picked up my pencils and sketch pad again, continuing the goal I was supposed to finish before my birthday…I lost my energy to create since last year because I was as cold as snow…I couldn’t feel…how can you create when the color means empty and the lines bare…now that I am reborn I feel more alive than ever…excited to use colors that came from the fruits of my heart…

I am so thankful…if I die today, everything that happened to me were worth it…the love I shared and the tears I shed…every inch worth it…it makes me feel so happy and inspired…so I will paint while my wounds are still sore…it will quench my thirst…I am so parched…

Love is all around us…an angel told me about the different shades of it…of romance, of friendship, of relationships…love…I think that’s what I am in love with…the idea of love…I am not a Juliet, I am and will always be a Romeo dressed in gown, funny it sounds so gay, but that’s me I am gay… love is not complicated, its relationships that makes everything complicated…it’s selfishness that makes one to let go, immaturity and insecurity…these things are the things that breaks us and leaves us undignified and broken…but these are also the things that makes us human…feelings that are used up…

Love, it’s not all about attraction to another person, it’s not about jealousy and selfishness or the memories of the past, it’s not about lust…I fall in love with details…of someone’s being…eyes, hands, the touch, the laughters, the pain, the quirks that keeps us smiling, the things that tickles me, the dreams, the things that’s worth more than money…the broken things that needs to be fix, the kindness and openness of one’s heart…even the tiniest pore that looks funny…they’re beautiful to me…

Beauty, I think I’m addicted to it…and for some reason it always cross my path…which is good, I need it…to feel…which is also bad, cuz it hurts like hell…so I think not for now…it scares the living shit out of me…

Someone asked me about love, she said aren’t we suppose to work hard for it and fight for it? I told her, why will you fight for something that is not yours…that’s not love, that’s selfishness…and she asked again, ‘why does love cause us pain and makes us flee’…I told her, you know, love, it also gets tired…and hello, I do not have the answer to it all, I am just a catalyst to love, a pawn and a slave to it…god it’s tiring…

Me, I will continue to love and give to who ever I find beautiful but for now I still have to pick up the pieces that I gave to all those I loved, I ran out of it and I left nothing for my self…but love, it’s so much beautiful when it’s yours, reciprocated…for now, I will use all my pain and desire with my brush and paper…and to see the result of your works is better than orgasm…

I keep searching for the answers but I knew all along, I know, that’s the problem, I assume I know too much…thinking and speaking mostly just destroys everything…sigh, I look in the mirror today and I aged more than a year with thinking too much…I tried to quench my thirst but it still kept me parched…

Human nature, we destroy things that are perfect…but sometimes its better that way, to destroy something that hasn’t begun so that the memory will be kept intact…forever she says…yes keep it and treasure it forever, the pieces of me that I’ve shared is worth a lifetime…

Just keep on walking, that’s how everything should be…every time you look up the sky and see the moon, remember me whispering ‘I will fly you to the moon and back and not even the Jupiter’s storm can burn our wings…’ Remember that I showed you the vastness of the world, that even if you turn it upside down it is still beautiful…like us smaller than the tiniest grain of sand…but glistening, pawns that makes up what life is…it’s just is…

Last night, a part of my heart was given back to me, from the bunny hole that I lost a long time ago…it made my heart warmer, a piece closed up a wound…I thanked her for the past she shared with me, it is what I needed, to be acknowledged that I even existed…

The diwata told me I am like a book…something that you can’t put down and will always remember in your heart…ang hiwagang hindi mawawala…masarap pakinggan, masarap maramdamang ikaw ay buhay sa mga taong iyong dinaanan…maybe I have to accept that it’s my role in life…to be part of them, but not to keep…just another stone you might crash when you hold tightly…

A thousand and a million more holes…that’s what needs to be closed up…I feel my chest today…not numb…it’s beating, but every beat feels sore…do not poke it or hold it, it’s not welcoming…i do not need consolation, from angels nor muse…i will smile with no one to hold me, it’s the queen in me…I am free.

I woke up today with a bad headache, I heard my phone squeak so I turned, the angel greeted me good morning…it made me think once more…it lulls my reverberating head from the night of confusion, last night was a mess for me…I saw the girl who broke my heart…what a headache…I wanted to bury her but I can feel the scars getting sore, I breathe in and close it up, I know I am strong, I am standing with my toes on the ground, TALL, that I am…heights that will develop overtime…

The song plays again…’this phenomenon, I gotta put it in a song and it goes like this…oh, amber is the color of your energy…’I wanted the angel to hear it too but the message came in a bad time…I detached myself to understand…in it and above, that’s how everything should be…I stood up and shrug selfishness and let kindness and openness dawn on me…it always helps…I need to be alone she says…alone…then I look at myself, yes, alone, that’s what I need as well…not temporary bandage that I keep filling in but doesn’t even fit…ALONE…we are all better of…

At this moment I decided to close up and let her be…still not meant for us…so what can we do if we realize that we just found the most amazing personalities in us…we aren’t ready…the sweet nothings we fill each other with, they are EMPTY…the hugs and kisses on our necks and the strength of our grips…they are empty…it’s sad to find the right person when your heart is black and frozen as snow…it’s sad…but that is life…I could see her lovely smiles sparks in my memory, her laughs that tickles me, her eyes that swims right through me, her soft skin that calms me, her words that taunts me, her charm, her brilliance, her stance, her silly little quirks and her colorful polygons…she is the one for me, a combination of two of the women I love in the past that still warms my heart…she is beautiful and my angel…I want her to be the one…we would tell each other ‘you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met’…but love, she says, ‘its complicated’…thus it is, it leaves us all undignified and battered…you act on it and hurt will surely head its way, to break us…she will not be a stain that scars me…I do not want her to be…oh how this feels so heavy…it pains me…

We struggle to survive but we survive never the less…to let go and dive on our own, that’s how we get by…I wanted to dance with new music in my ears…with my self, I am dancing with myself, but I am smiling…

Someone told me that love shouldn’t be all pain, it should be happiness…I look at all the people that surrounds me…women…we are all broken…the girl who persists, the diwata and her prose, the angel who saved me, the scorpion that stings her heart, the drama queen who keeps calling, the broken mind who broke me, my first love and her tact…we all have different stories, different pains, different smiles, somehow all crooked…and for some uncanny reason we are all connected to each other…our voices echoes in entanglement…I could see it in my head, the strings of thoughts, the moans of laughter’s and pain…we echoed the same…LOVE, longing and desire…it leaves us sore…To let go and free ourselves of these, that’s what needs to be done…my blinders are not with me anymore I can see, hear, and feel, and I will paint all the colors that comes my way…

WOMEN…we are beautiful you know…amazing in all hues…we should embrace and let go…I wish I can hug them all and give what is due, but my hands are small and my heart can only beat for one…we all have a home, we don’t have to search for it, it will find us…the things that we can do with our hands and minds, let all the things that burns us be put into beauty…’smile for me will you?’ and I will smile for you…

I saw an angel last night, the one with a beautiful smile…the one with a gentle tone…the one with watery eyes that swims through my soul…

Not water this time…air…pure air…I sense freedom…I want to hold her hand and jump through the mountain top and just feel the breeze of the wind brush through our skin…but I hesitate every time I feel her…she hesitates just the same…love ridden souls…that’s what we are…

…I am amazed by her world and she is amused in mine…collision? Nah…time…time…

I will wait, patiently…’Your Heart is not ready,’ I hear my instincts whisper to me…I never take anything half-hearted…but for her, borrowed times will do for now…I lend her my time she lend me hers, I lend her my words and she takes it with much appreciation, I lend her my ears and I listen to her woes…

We both have bandaged scars that gives us momentary relief…scars…scars…I will not process them this time…I will just indulge…with what I can and what she can offer…equality she says…but how can it be equality when we are both not ready to give…borrowed…everything is borrowed…

…fillers? Is that what we are? Temporary numbness to beaten hearts…another escape? I will not surrender once more…I will not keep my blinders but feel and see every inch of it, the world, not just hers…the world…so much to love about it…and she is a part of it…

I will not jump in haste…I am made of tough stains, stains that preserves me…her…I do not want her to be another stain…she is worth more than just a memory…she is worthy and she knows I am as well…what will I make of it…ellipsis…the three married dots…it will do for now…

This is the first night that I saw myself back to reality again…not in my head anymore…I look at my wall from my home office and so many things are laid down before me…the things that I have to accomplish and do while I’m still young…I am done with escaping the world I need to focus on painting it again…

So much to do, so little time…I want to do so much that everything is cluttered before me…the studies I want to take, the paths I want to lead, the things I want to learn, and the things that I need to discover…I am so confused that I do not know where to start…

Responsibilities…I need to face them once more…the bills to pay, god I forgot all my deadlines…they bit me when I woke…my calendar is cluttered once more…I feel like a kid who needs a mom…to tell me what to do and where to begin…

It’s hard waking up from a long slumber. Like a vampire scared of the light, but I needed the burn…torched…that is what happened…

I am so alive the past days that my hands are aching for salvation…I feel like a blind man who sees again and the light rattles me…

Last Sunday I woke up with a big smile on my face…so freeing…I feel like life is one huge experiment and we create so many things from the predicaments it offers…I just need to focus on where to start…a thousand and a million holes…that much to fill…I looked at chapters in my life and I saw so many starting points, and I am always intrigued by the idea but for some reason I never finish…always just on the premise…oh guidance, maybe that is what I needed…

Muses…I asked myself the other day, is it what I needed? But muses suck me dry…some of the bad ones that started my year…I think I need a new one, another inspiring aura…I had so many of them last year…I need to pile up on them once more…

Useless addiction, I have to rid myself of those…me again…that is my addiction…order, that is what I want…focus that is what I want to muster…

An angel told me that she wants to heal me, but I am already healed. I just laugh at the wounds, I see it as something unreal…invisible scars, that is all I have…step 1,2,3…so many things to do…ugh, life needs to fix my schedule…maybe I should take what the angel offered, maybe…it could be good for me…may you guide my hand to the beautiful things it can create and swim right to my soul so I could dance once more to the music that plays in my head…

An epiphany…maybe not muses…angels…I had so many angels in my life in different chapters…they lead me to discover my path…oh, yes…angels…they are what I need…

I just got my car back today…fixed, one piece, like me…I am me again…I already put down the story that I kept in installment, my friend said it was an interesting peep in the world of dark glittering lights…it has served its purpose, for me to be redeemed. It doesn’t matter if everyone read it or not all that matters is the ones who I knew would understand understood every prose…

As I drove my car, I felt the rush in my blood…like Lestat revived, chasing the wind as life runs through my veins…I can sing happy songs again…my wish was to feel and so I did, I have no regrets of the things that happened to me, that is life, to the fullest…I wouldn’t have it any other way and I am proud of how I played my part…

As I drove my car I was laughing like a kid again, no longer empty…I could hear the credits roll as the soundtrack play in the background, ‘Grateful’…that I am…but like any other movie, the ending is just the beginning…the tears I’ve shed and the memories I’ve shared, I will keep it in me…she said she will never forget and I know I will always remember…as of the past and the present, I know I always have a new story to tell, and thus I will keep making them…

A friend once told me that if you have a unique name then you will lead an extraordinary life as well…the crazies, I know I will keep attracting them, the broken things that needs to be fixed…every one is the same…it just makes life interesting, who would want to be perfect anyway, perfect is boring…like a vase with perfect curves, it’s beautiful but doesn’t have that much of stories to tell, but a broken vase that sits by the corner that gathered up dust has much interesting details…her mind, broken as it is but I still find the beautiful things in it…

Heights, more of it will come…I will create it…and so as I keep my foot moving one after the other I will continue to paint my world again…smiles…I will keep finding them…

So this is how it feels to feel nothing…ive been searching for words to describe it, its hard to come up with one concrete thought…I am drained up to the last drop…hurt, confuse, awe, humiliation, frailty, happiness, bitterness, grief, regret, stupidity, jealousy, love…god love, I do not know how to feel it now… I am now confused what these words mean…she drained me of it…now I walk like a corpse waiting to be reborn again…

I stare at myself in the mirror wishing hard to put me back in one piece, the person I know, the person that heals, yet no matter how many times I blink I am still there sitting on the floor, blank, out of words…wash me new…I want to be whole again…

Rewrite my spirits once more…