Broken Window

I am sitting in front of my computer, sweating from the heat…I just got home from buying art materials for my paintings…a fellow artist helped me scope for good brands, I felt like a kid buying new toys, I was so excited to rummage at the stuff when I got home…colorful neons, thick and moist, my new medium…there goes the long nails, I will have to cut it now so that I can surrender being a single lesbian, I am engaged, engaged and plans to marry the love of my life…my canvass…I can’t wait for tomorrow, I will buy more materials and order large scales of frames…ugh, I can feel my hands throbbing, aching, aching for the burn…I am so excited to paint…

It’s been years since I held a brush, a real brush, I’ve been hiding in the mercy of my computer and my tablet, it was just cleaner that way…I remember the last piece of art I painted with this medium, it was for my first love, a big ass mural for her environmental exhibit…I wonder where it is now, probably burnt somewhere or turned into a wall of some homeless lass…my college years…full of paint and dirty hands…my world then was in my art…charcoal, pencils, acrylics…I would be walking in the school hallway with unruly hair and paint all over my hands and face…it was heaven to me…

Working in the plastic world for more than 5 years now, I somehow opted a less messy art, my vectors and digital paint…plastic, is that what it is? Hmmm…now I’m diving again, the dirty work, I will make love with the paint in my hands…god, its quenching…I could feel the high…it’s driving me insane…fuckin’ orgasmic…ahhhhhhhhh…I could feel moans coming out from my mouth…I wish you fill the hunger in me…fill me in…fill me in…

I was talking to my friend online, we were chatting about details in my life now, I was telling him about my realizations when I was with him the other night…he told me about my other friends from the magazine industry talking about my love life and asking if I was ok already, I laughed and sighed, It’s funny why they all talked about my love life and how concern they were…its because they saw the gradiation of happiness and sadness in me, the ups and down, the excitement, god, Tatum is always their source of ‘dramathon sa hapon’…they hate it when I’m in my rut, my escape, that is when I am obsessed with women, because they lose the ‘me’ they’ve grown to love…it feels so good to be surrounded by these amazing people who cares for me…

My editor sat down with me today and asked about my words with regards to love, she was amused by how I talked and see things through…she said, ‘Wow, dear the things you say are like things in a movie…’ I was laughing…yes, my life, my stories, my beliefs, my flaws, my antics, my friends, the characters in my world, they are worth a million pages of beautiful prose, of a movie script with thousands of bad and new beginnings…and they are treasures to behold…they are me…the gemstones inside my window, and I am so lucky to be part of them…I told my friend,’ you know, I am so lucky to have you guys, I said, I am selfish, I will not share you guys with any of them!’, he was laughing, he mentioned something about the separation of the church and the states, that love life should be the same, of friends and lovers…I said, ‘let them be the church, and we the state, cuz I do not believe in the church,’ we were laughing…’yes’, he said, you should always have an anchor back, somewhere you can return to…like home, they are my home, I belong to them and I know I am always safe with them…yes that’s it, they are my SANCTUARY…oh, I love epiphanies…

I am so excited today, I called up a fellow artist, I told him about my plans, and he was willing to help me cuz he believed in me…for people to appreciate you in more ways than one, it’s a heavenly feeling…I’m so excited to pick up brushes and paint…I’m so excited, I couldn’t sleep…so this, to my words I reside again…the hermit in me…

To you, I share to you my thoughts, does it quench your thirst? This is my world and I’m lending you a window…

May mga taong pagtinignan mo,
amoy agad ang init ng dugo,
pula,
kumukulo
ang sarap higupin at isalin sa sarili…

yan yan marahil ako,
minsa’y bampirang nais sumipsip ng buhay sa iba…

sa mga nakakaraang araw ng pagkauhaw,
pulang dugo ang ninamnam ko,
pansamantalang ligaya ang dinulot nito

hanggang sa muli ko pang uhaw na paghigop
alketran ang aking nasimot…
nakakabulon sa lalamunan,
makati,
ang sarap isuka sa daan…

matagal tagal bago naibuga ang maling dulot ng paghitit
hanggang halos himatayin
at bumagsak sa lupa…
uhaw…
tuyo’t lanta ang kulay…

pagtingin paitaas,
maraming tao ang yukong nanuod at dumaan
may mga nagpahiram ng kamay
iba ang kulay ng dugo sa kanila’y nananalantay
luntian,
ako’y tumikim paunti unti
buhay,
yan ang dulot ng kanilang dugo,
malapot at bumubulwak sa pagkulo
mabango at maraming pangako

sa pagtayo,
alintana ang pagtunog ng bagong pulso…

I’m working at the printers today the fuckin’ plates takes too long to get done…I feel so lazy and sleepy to do anything so I chomped on all the chips they served for me…I love chips, I thought it could fill up my boredom…I opened one kind, sweet and sour, I got bored, I opened another, salty, I put it down again, another one, cheesy…damn, my tongue doesn’t want any of it…I find it weird…on my sleepless nights I would always open a big bag of chip and dip and would always finish til the last crumb…I’m weirded out on why my palete doesn’t want any this time…

As night falls they asked me what I would like to have for dinner, I requested for fish or seafood and vegetables, any would do…yet I know that when they serve me just one, I will not satiate my appetite, I always want different flavors lingering in mouth…fish with vegetables on the side, if seafood I want with different kinds, if just vegetables I get so frustrated looking for chunks of meat, but not red meat, I dread those…god buffet, that would be helpful, yet when I’m in front of so many different kinds I get so bloated chomping on all the colors that my eyes can reach…varieties…hmmm…

A different thought…I love varieties in my mouth…is it the same with life? With women? Am I intrigued by varieties? Like candy I want to taste different flavors…a designer told me last night she wanted to set me up on a date, I’m like hello, I just had too many this year I need to rid myself of candy…but I feel so thirsty…another message tapped me today telling me what kind of date I would want cuz she’ll give me, umm why are they all setting me up, do I look like I need one right now? I just got out of so many escapes, this isn’t what I need, its so funny but I’m bored so I obliged…I gave her my request…no soup please, I want buffet, someone skinny but with the right curves, someone model type, someone with a pretty face but with a brilliant mind, someone talented who can match up my craziness, someone with patience to endure my zest for life, someone I will dig on and simmer but won’t bore me to bits…a variety in one package, that’s a tall order…a message returned, she said, wow, that’s RARE…I laughed, yes, its hidden somewhere in a gold mine but I refuse to search…why would I, they’re serving it for me…I was laughing inside…then a scary thought…I hear Fiona in my ears…’I’m waiting for the black to replace my blue…I do not struggle in your web, cuz it is my aim to get caught…but I feel I’m going weary, on waiting to be consumed by you… give me the first taste…let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever…’…oh how I love Fiona, she’s my best friend these past days…and she shed light for me again…no more play Tatum, you know you always get stranded…I was smiling again…words, chew on them and spit it out, pweh!

Boredom…I’m fuckin bored as hell, I opened so many magazines and books already yet my thoughts won’t focus on any of them…I listened to music to soothe me, but shit just the same…I popped on a DVD, but it was on the middle already and I found myself lost in it…what the fuck…then thoughts flooded me…my thoughts…its insatiable…it quenches me for now…my words, I keep repeating it in my head and jotting them down…I can’t stop…what do I do with this…it’s so addicting for me…this…typing it…yes, I found my new addiction in me…it’s in me, not others…it’s the varieties in me…this is just one of the servings…I feel like the black letters are winking at me…I smiled and winked back…hahaha, I am going crazy…

A guy entered the door, he’s cute, I looked at him once, then twice, cute and cuddly, he reminded me of someone…he keeps smiling and searching for smiles in my eyes and keeps talking to me, I didn’t give a damn, but he keeps popping in, hmmm, searching my eyes again…I wanted to swim right through him and indulge in Eve’s sinful embrace…the feline in me, hahahaha…is this my new fancy? I looked at my chart, yes, a pattern, women, then men, women, then men…oh my, I have a pattern…god men, they bore me…but I like the attention they give, its pacifying and I know my heart is always safe, because it doesn’t ache for them…

Another knock on the door, wow, platters of food! A big smile dawn on me, yes they gave me buffet…pagkaing pambitay…

I saw so many laughters and smiles these past days and it fills so many gaps in me…happiness of others always heals my aching soul…that’s me, healed, no more bandages, no more soreness, funny how some of the people around me worry for me when I am stronger than most of them, a green that bloomed in the thickest of mud, that’s me…’a self-help book’ a friend once told me…I wish it can be shared for everybody…

Sadness, still everywhere, I saw the tears that my friends shared with me tonight, I wish I can take it out for them and help them the way I fixed myself…but healing one’s soul can always just come from the person…I can only lend my ears and time, to be the crying shoulder and a friend…

I see now different shades of the child in us, the little things that makes one laugh and cry…lost kids, that’s what we are, yet we try to live maturely in our fast paced time…A friend told me how EMPTY she feels now, I told her that is the worse possible feeling one can experience, its living in limbo, stuck in a moment without purpose and goal…I was there before but I always rise above it, I wish she can as well, I wish I can hold her hand so that she will not drown, but a negative energy so powerful can crash me as well…a child, I am the same…I wish I can be her flame, an angel this time for someone else, but its different the way she views things…only she can help herself…and I believe she would…

To BELIEVE, that’s one thing we shouldn’t let go…life is not a fairytale, it’s in us to make it look like it is…

Today, another piece of me is given back…sa anghel na aking tinalikuran, muling nagbalik ang aking balintataw…ngunit iba na ang ihip ng aking hangin, hindi na ganun sa dating pusong nais angkinin…hindi na sa kanya ang aking tingin, ngunit sa sarili at sa mundo, ang nakaraan ay isang parte na lamang ng magandang ala-ala…ala-ala, masarap lumikha ng mga bagong pahina…naisip ko, isa rin syang batang ligaw, humiling sa buwan ng hiram na liwanag, ngunit ako ang napaso at nalunod sa kanyang ibang sigaw…buntunghininga…kahapon, isinisisi ko ang pagnanakaw nya ng puso sa iba, mali ang kanyang ibang paniniwala, sa mga taong sumakit sa kanya, tinatangka nyang itama ang mga bagay na gamit ang panibagong mali…

…ang batang isip sa kanya, sa atin…sanay mabigyan ng gabay, hindi galing sa iba pang tao, ngunit sa sarili…ganyan lamang ang dapat…

I came home holding a large package, the Philippines’ legendary fashion photog gave me a panoramic photo of his trip form Palm Springs, a gift for his adopted prodigal daughter who just had her heart closed up today…

He hugged me so tightly and ignites so many lights for me…oh how I love him, he was smiling the entire time while we conceptualize on so many shoot details…the guy whose time is precious, it takes eons for people to get a sked from him but he gave me his entire morning and wont take calls from anyone so that we can talk about his trip and sustainable advocacies and me to blab about the stories that happened in the months that I was in exile…we were on fire, I could see the eyes of a child in him under his thick white brows…his desire to put the Filipinos on the map and his ideas to make artists’ to better themselves…I want to be just like him…someone everyone looks up to, someone whose ideas are put into countless books and glossies…someone who uses his talents for the betterment of the community…he tells me that art should be used for the good of the entire colony, not just art for art sake…so what if you can paint a million hues, so what if a picture is beautiful, if it can’t feed the hungry what good is it for the world…

He would talk of art and its philosophies and how he would want me to help with him teach it in school, I was like, me? To talk and get paid for it? why not, when I’m such a prostitute with my own words…we were laughing as I boast on the ideas that I can think of, it warms me up that he gives me respect with the things that I say, he says, ‘ haay ang yabang mo, anak nga kita,’ and I’ll be like ‘syempre manang mana sayo.’ I was on a high, a person whose name is bigger than he is, giving me this outmost attention and regard, I felt so humbled…I wish I was really his daughter…he would call me ‘pare’ knowing that I’m a lesbian, we would laugh while he tease me with all the power women he would want me to sleep with…I dread the idea, he’ll be like ‘ sige na, ayaw mo nun, when they want to bring you to bed they’ll just book a plane for you to fly to Paris so that you could be out of the media.’ I would laugh, I keep screaming, ‘Dad! I’m not a lesbian prosti!’…

Prostitutes…that’s how we are with ideas…he tells me that ideas are just ideas, the difference with great men and mediocre men are, great men gives ideas a deadline and acts on it, while mediocre men just keep on thinking til the leaves of the trees are all yellow but they’re ideas are still just ideas floating in the air…at this moment I wanted to hurry and finish all my works…god a deadline, that’s what I need…that’s what we all need…I remember another photographer friend told me, ‘you know, in anything, even depression, you have to give it a deadline.’ When I was crying last month, she told me, ‘ok tomorrow we stop talking about this and move on to greater things, iiyak mo na ngayon para bukas nakatawa kana.’ True enough the next day I didn’t cry anymore…

I was driving with my unrequited male gay crushie earlier, we would sing our lungs out with Fiona Apple and Damien Rice, oh how I miss these moments, I missed my friend from the States, she would see me in front of my monitor staring at Fiona Apple lyrics and she would be weirded out by it, next thing I know she’s beside me staring on the monitor as well… a glass of wine and packs of cigs, a little music and exchange of prose, nothing beats moments with my crazy friends…

I saw the movie opening of ‘Ploning’ today, it was quite a watch, movies like these makes me turn back and save up for the lost time, the lost memories…the seconds and minutes that I could have shared, the laughter and happiness that I could have offered, in my head, I’m not the one who lost anything, I have so much to give…

Masaya ako sa araw na ito, hindi ko na ulit nararamdaman ang pakundap kundap na kirot sa dibdib, ako na ulit, ang pusong balot ng nyebe, ang daming dapat ayusin, ang daming bloke blokeng pangarap na dapat kong marating…ako na ulit at ang patuloy na pag-inog ko sa mundo…kaninang hapon, habang nasa South Express way, may nakita akong saranggola, naisip ko, yan yan ako, lumilipad at malaya, handa na ulit makipag-amok sa tadhana…nararamdaman ko na ulit ang ilaw sa aking isip, ang pag-ibig makapaghihintay, dun na ulit sya sa dulo ng listahan, hayaan mo munang alikabukin, tama na muna ang pagtakas, matagal tagal din ako bago nakabalik, ang sarap huminga.

Ang sarap bumalik sa mundo na puno ng mga kaibigang nagbibigay sa akin ng maraming inspirasyon, lahat sila abot ang mga pangarap, ngumingiti, ganyan ako nung nakaraang taon ang dami kong natapos, at alam kong sa mga susunod na araw patuloy pa akong lilipad paitaas…alam kong ako ang ilaw, hindi ang gamo-gamo…nakakatawang isipin, ang sabi ng isa’y gusto nya akong iahon, saan? Muka bang kailangan ko ng gamot sa pagkalugmok? Nakakatawa, ako raw ay tutulungan nya upang maging maayos, eh sya ang kinailangan ng tulong ko…ni hindi ako nanghingi ng saklolo, sya ang nagtanong kung pwede akong pumasok sa kanyang mundo dahil natuwa sya sa pagkatao ko…gusto daw nyang hawakan ang kamay ko para umahon, ang siste pagtagumpay ko’y naabot pati sya may byline?…’tol, sa buhay ko palaging isa lang ang credit, si ako, ang banedosong ako…silang lahat isa lang sa mga ‘dashes’ ng buhay ko…ang halakhak hawak ko, ayan kanina nauntog ako at natauhan, syet, bakit ako nagpaanod sa talinhaga ng kanilang salita, ako ang umaapaw, liglig sa ngiti at sayaw. Ako ang nagbibigay ng buhay, wala akong hiningi ni kakarampot na limos na ligaya, ako ang nagbigay hindi sila…napagisip isip ko kagaguhan ang ipagluksa ang pagtalikod, mas madami ang sa kanya’y nawala…naalala ko ang kaibigang tingin nya sa sarili ay dyamanteng malaki pa sa gusali, sa isip isip ko, yan, ako din, isang makinang na bato, at ako ang mayari nito. Ipinahiram ko sa kanila ang buhay ko, ngunit ako pa ang nawawalan, di naman tama yon…mas matigas ang dumapong ngiti sa aking mga labi ngayon…

I hear a voice in my head…’no longer innocent…’ at last I can sleep with silence in my dreams…

I will cry for my office green wall today…I will build my own walls, something that no one can take away from me…I am mad. Mad for the loss…when life takes things from you, they take it in installment, but give you something back in return…I knocked my knee last night, now this, what is it huh…I want to rage…RAGE, I love using that as a catalyst to elevate…ahh, that’s what’s given back to me, the feeling to get angry…I want to go back to Sagada and scream my lungs out in the echo valley…there there…my voice will be heard in a million different songs…

But I find it weird, for some reason, I am not screaming and throwing tantrums the way I used to, I am not banging my phone and cussing at everyone around me…I’m taking it in, casually, maturely…it surprised everybody, me as well…I ordered Chinese food, it calms me…before, when I’m angry I would chomp on pork and say…’galit ako kaya kakain ako ng baboy!’…it just sounds funny now…I wanted to do that earlier but I dread the idea, I do not eat meat anymore, I will just mess up my digestion…

Maybe I do not need yoga anymore to control anger management…in it and above, I like saying it now…life taught me to contain it…sabi ng diwata ako daw ay taong mapagpigil bago pa ako bumulusok nitong mga nakaraan, ngayon ibinabalik ko uli, eto ako, ganito ako nabubuhay, sa pagpipigil…para walang masaktan at di ako masaktan muli…

Ilang araw na akong nagmumuni muni sa pagsisisi, ilang kaibigan na ang tumapik at pinagtanungan kung ako ba ang nagkamali…at lahat sabi nila’y ako nga daw…haaay, ang mang-iwan, kasalanan kung mayroon kang nasaktan, nasaktan nga ba sya? Bakit ako ang di mapakali, ako ang di makatulog sa gabi, ako ang nangungulila sa kakaisip…tumalikod ako upang wag masaktan, ngunit bakit ako pa din ang ganito ang nararamdaman…isang buntong hininga…ayoko na ng drama, ang dami kong responsibilidad sa sarili ko at sa trabaho…di ko na kailangan ng soap opera…

For some reason, I’m so addicted in writing now, I have a hard time focusing on my drawings and my vectors, but typing on my keypads to get things out of my head seems to be therapeutic, I want to silence my head for a while, I want to be able to sleep with dreams, not with words…its tiring me…sigh, am I leaving my papers and paint in exchange for my letters? Pati ba naman ang kamay ko ay tatalikuran ko? My eyes, I feel the bags drooping, writers are like that, god I do not want to age fast…ok, ok…to visuals I return…

I’m excited for tomorrow, I will see my mentor, I call him my dad…I’m sure he will laugh together with me…sa ilang yosi at ilang ideya, ganyan kami lumilipad sa problema…

I just got home from a fun filled night…as the fashion show opened with the models on the runway, there I was tripping on 4 chairs and banging my knee on rough ground with champagne dripping everywhere and my self…quite an opening, I always make an entrance…whew…so here I am now, nursing the wound on my knee, it hurts like hell…at least now the soreness is not on my chest, its on my knee and the sting makes me cry…fuckin stilettos, my model friends were laughing, they’re like, ‘Tatum you’re not even drunk! Only you know how to make that kind of entrance’…sigh, I was laughing with tears in my eyes…now I have to live with new scars…scars that are visible to the eye…how the hell am I going to wear my minis now…o well…

After the show we just indulge on all the champagne they were serving, I had a little too much…my friends were telling me that I am so back, the klutz, the funny one who keeps teasing the girls and the guys…the lesbian in a straight and male gays crowd…it made me laugh…as my knees bled, my mouth is wet with white wine and my eyes feasted on a pool of good looking women and men…then we went to the radio station to promote my friends campaign…there I met interesting people, new faces, with new stories to tell, a comedian, an actress, a director, djs, a manager and a restaurant owner…I just love my job, it makes me shake hands to inspiring and beautiful people…I was teasing the director about the story that I wrote, that if he is interested I would like to write a movie script for a lesbian film…he was laughing…he probably thought of women clad in bikinis humping each other…I was a little tipsy but still trying to make sense…I was shaking his hand and wouldn’t let go, I told him I want to scoop out his gift so that I can use it for me as well…he was smiling…smiles, I love seeing it in people…it warms my alcohol drenched mind…

I was waiting for the radio show to end and the alcohol was dying down…I hate it when that happens, it bores the living shit out of me, then I start to brood…I started to notice intently the people around me, such treasures I want to share with somebody other than myself…in my head sparks memories, what if, what could have been, the why’s and the maybe’s…but its all washed away…another sigh came out from my breath…someday I said, someday…

I got home so tired an sleepy… thank god, finally I can rest my head…after a cold shower I will rest in my own candy colored dreams…my own, something I can call my own…

I’m so happy last night, I had fruitful conversations with my favorite gentle giant I love talking to people more mature than me, makes me see things in a different light, but I am happy that I can sing along with their music, ‘unique’ he said, that’s what you are, you should be stingy with giving yourself, in my head, funny maybe I’m just autistic hahaha…but he was laughing the entire time cuz I keep on telling them the words that comes from my mouth, he was saying, ‘you do not need any wisdom from me, you know these things, you are your own self help! You’re so full of life and energy, someone needs to tame you!…’ I was laughing…

Tame me? Then my energy will be lost, silenced, caged, that is not what I need, not again I said…I am fluttering with heights, flying and dancing under the grayest of cloud…and I’m laughing, smiling like a kid who just discovered that butterflies are beautiful to touch…but butterflies, their wings can sting your eye…

Life, so many thing to discover in it but it has no guarantee…I was so excited to list down the openings of my windows that I want to put in art…another friend showed me a passage about windows…I am always in awe with windows, taken by the secrets that it holds under the blinds…people, it says, are like closed windows, it shows different views, looking at them once will not show you the entire thing, once they open you can see the dirt, the laundry and the crooked walls that surrounds it, look again and you can also see the wonderful things…the gems in all of us…some of it are precious, some as black and bland as coal, its up to you where you want to peep and keep…but as the gentle giant said ‘like any other gemstone, let people search for it. Let them work hard to earn it, so that anyone who will hold it will treasure, protect and keep out of harms way’…when its gone its gone, you drop it and it will break, you let go of it in a ravine and it will be hard for you to get it back…

Ratatatata, me again, talk and talk, so many words Tatum, I think I have to silence myself for a while cuz I cannot sleep with all these things in my head…ugh, I saw the sun shine again through my room window…not again I said…I am so tired…’contain it, contain it!’…god I was scooping out everything in me and hugging myself so that it won’t burst…sleep little child, there’s so many more tomorrow…

I want to write songs…I just had this aching today, I always have words borrowed from other people’s pain, why can’t I write my own when everyone learns and smiles with the things that I can do and with the things that I learn from…I am speaking to my head again, smiling, the vanity in me, now it makes me laugh…it makes me appreciate the artists that helps me cope, the voices that draws me, the lives that even my life lives…makes me realize that we are all the same…in words, in art…god I love the beauty that pain creates…

See I told you sadness is beautiful, it makes you create…look at the angel, she was able to create a prose not in her language when I left, look at the other one who was not meant for me, she also wrote a poem about the moon, that I was the moon and she offered it to me…it makes me so fulfilled, maybe that is my role and mission in life, to be the moon that shines on them, to be the flame to ignite their desires, even if it burns and falls right through me, I use it for me as well…look at the moon that hovered on me for a month and broke my heart, she made me write a 44 page story that all my friends appreciated…thank you to all of you…you touched my heart in more ways than one…everyday its filling up the holes…now I have to continue and light the rays of my flame so I can continue to inspire others and for me to fly away to another dimension…diwata…yan ang aking misyon…so to the other diwata na mahilig umindak…sumunod ka at wag malunod…ganyan tayo, lumilipad paitaas upang iwan lahat at wag bumulusok…