Broken Window

My rear window stuck up last night, i couldn’t bring it anywhere cuz i might end up losing it…to top it off it rained while i was on the road…what luck…i looked like a fuckin’ drenched duck with red hair in my car…i had to wait for morning to get it done and went ahead with my night escapades…but whatever frustrating predicaments i was in, i still had a blast that night…met a girl with a face i couldn’t stop staring at…simmering it still…

morning comes and i missed going to work cuz i had to bring my car to the shop, but i had to go back to the office cuz my office mates said i had some sort of surprise…

And so it is…groggy and eyes desperate for sleep, there it was, in different colors, 2 dozens of red roses, 2 dozens of white and a bunch of gerberas…musta naman ang hair napadock sa Subic…”So Tatum are you fucking a florist?” funny…and of course, not even a card to say who its from…hmmm, i gez i didnt just get a twig after all…

I haven’t been going to work early…what else is new…i got here at 3pm and while sitting on my high chair it just dawned on me…i’m losing my green wall soon…i wanted to cry…i love my office, my own corner in this chaotic firm…when it was renovated last year i designed my lights and the colors especially to how i like it…green, yellow and white clashing… everyone loved to hang out here…

now i’m forced to cramp up together with the editorial team because of the large machines the company is buying…no more door to close when i’m moody and no more lights to shut when i need my dark…i will miss my green wall, soon it will be replaced with green cabinets and dark curtains, consolation to my loss …every day i will have to endure the monotonous typing of editorial keyboards together with the huge ass tv they placed beside my table, together with the every day chitchats of the room that i couldn’t care less for…

It would have been ok with me, but It’s sad to think that the person inheriting my room has not even a tinge of beauty in his soul…every day he will be with the green wall, but everyday he will not understand what its for…

I’m not fond of names and faces…its better that strangers remain blank shapes in my head…cuz once identities unfold, i can’t be a devil anymore…

It’s been a while since I use words with this tongue…

Para bang may kumagat at tila diko mapigilan…kumatok pa kasi, ngayo’y pilipit ang dila…kibit…nakalimot di muna tumingin sa bintana…

Sandali, kaya mo ba? Animo tila natatawa…ako yata ang di kaya…nawiwili sa kapitbahay na makata…

…isa pa…buntong hininga…wala namang mapapala…sakit sa ulo sabi ng kabila…eto dito, tumanaw ka muna…

I’m stuck at work til midnight…have to finish dozens of deadlines but I’m here again staring blankly at my computer…come 1am I need to go somewhere, dance…pretend to drink some bottle I don’t like what’s inside…I’m really tired, I wish I can just slip under my sheets and hide in slumber and wake up next year…my assistant won’t shut that fuckin’ sound…god ballad, please spare me the season of red…can it just be black? Parang Piolo lang sa billboard dun sa EDSA…tatlong taon na paulit ulit lang ang istorya, minsan…minsan…o tama na…

I want new stories to tell, its tiring to always go back to those pastures I use to reside…I am a wolf now, don’t they all travel in packs? Why am I hunting alone…what a selfish canine…wants it all for herself…thus, still alone…Narsisa magbago kana, diba’t sa lathala nalunod at nawalang bigla?…palibhasa takot mabasag ang nakataklop…ayan nagtatago sa lilim..kung saan madali…kung saan di napapaso…bakit may magtangka mang pumaso lunod naman sa ginaw ng abo mo…sumisilip, nakikililim, hinihipan mong pilit…what a paradox…

…I have to go soon…want to go driving somewhere while listening to endless Buckley and Sia songs, hoping maybe it can wash me anew…it’s easier when you’re mourning for someone at least you know who to blame, at least songs can be for some one, not some old tale washed white already with bleach I can barely touch it…it just feels so hallow…reminds me of Cameron in ‘The Holiday’ trying so hard to put out a tear…I don’t remember the last time I did…tic toc…empty counting of time…it bores me some times… another soul told me again, ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? 3 years dear, that’s not a joke anymore, you’re too hard of an egg to crack…’ what will I do, nothing and no one interests me much…they smile back at you and I dip in it for a while, but never let it simmer…they still haven’t caught my grasp (Alfie ikaw ba yan? feeling mo naman, e si Alfie kumusta naman? diba’t mag-isa)

…the other night a pretty girl had her arms around my back, whispering some melodramatic sweetness that makes my skin cringe…why? Probably cuz it sounds like another soup I have to sip for dinner, what about the entrée, serve me something hot with tasty treat in it, something worthy of conversation not some pasty soup I just had last week…but not meat, I just turned pesco-vegan, red meat might choke me…hahaha I’m fasting…

…Gone gone for now…god there it is again…and she’s singing together with it…shut that thing up! there there thank you, finally a different sound…

I wanted to get myself a candy…the jar is full to the lid…i wonder what would tickle my fancy…all colors, different delights…i want to taste everything…bitter, sweet, spicy, sour…problem is i only have a few coins to spare…every wrapper has a price, and has no warranty…

i woke up today, happy feet calling me…give it to me give it to me…beat it! so i went low low low low…

music flowing again…Alex crank it high up! who’s Alex? hahaha i must be dreaming still…

i am mambo today… feet throbbing, hips swaying, butt going low low low low…wait i’m already on the floor! try to stop me with your prose…still dancing for now…higher now—”She hit the floor, next thing you know, she goes low low low low…”

lost in music…swimming swimming where it takes me…i am mambo, i will bring back the fish…

I’m holding a rose today, it’s red but it’ll do…it’ll do for now…til I looked at the other room, I screamed silently, why does she get a bunch of flowers and I only get a twig, a handful of chocolates, and a few messages in my inbox…is that how much love is worth? I screamed again, more silent this time…I’ll be the sun again…so much love, so much love left to give…

another broken arrow headed my way…so undignified, so human…I breathe violently to elevate from it…I closed my eyes and peeped down below…feet still on the ground…ugh not even an inch? …I pinched my cheek…ouch!…still human…

I walked by the parking lot to transfer my car, it was dark, my blue knight sitting alone in the dark…Gabby poked me and said, ‘notice how your car is so alone, look at the rest of the space, all the cars are out on a date,” he giggled mockingly, I wanted to punch him on the face…but then I looked at him and I smiled mockingly…’I’m not the only one…’

Staring at my monitor for an hour now, I have to start writing an article but I’m so fucking lazy to do anything work related…I just really want to do some no brainer stuff right now, like choose from the 200 photos taken from my birthday and prey on some stuff on the net or repeatedly watch lword threads from youtube while listening to Jeff Buckley at the same time…I’m so in love with his song ‘Everybody here wants you’ and ‘Striptease for me Baby’…its on loop in my earplugs for the entire day, can’t help but move with it…it’s so sexy…

…The buzz from my meds are wearing off already, I wish my cough would die down soon, I bark like a mad dog from the cigarettes I’ve been puffing for days now, its so gross…after days and days of partying and celebrating my birthday I’m finally back to reality…its tiring…maybe it means I will be celebrating for the rest of the year…I just reached the mark, one line away from 25…in the next years I will be nearing the age which women my age dread…20 going 30…I can’t imagine I’m older than my mom now when she had me…scary…

…January and the start of February is simply crazy…I haven’t had the time to stare at myself in the mirror and examine if I aged a little, funny, I’m always rushing and packing my stuff…my room is so cluttered I don’t have floor to walk on…all my baggage from my Davao trip and Sagada are still where I left them the moment I got home, my Sagada clothes are soiled and damped from the caving and I forgot to take them out last week it might have had its own colony already when it dawned on me…my shoes are everywhere, either they’re stuck in the trunk of my car or scattered around the house…I always end up using the same pair when I go to the office cuz I forget where I put the others, other than my shoe rack which I never really put my shoes in…I need a house keeper, or just someone to fix up my cabinet and laundry, its so hard to find someone I can trust while I’m away at work, I have to be at the house all the time when they’re cleaning up, and by god, I am never home… I have a mountain in my condo already critters might start coming out from it…it’s not funny…this week I promise myself that I will not runaway from my domestic chores…so many papers are piled up already in my home office I need to tidy up to find things…

My eyes are racing down…I should put them to rest I guess…then wake up super early to finish my deadline…last night was pretty bad, I procrastinated til 4am in the morning, staring in the monitor and watching TiBette moon over each other…I love them…I wish I have what they have…used to have…freakin story of my life…I was talking to my cousin over dinner about owning ones life, how I feel like mine is borrowed…I’ve been living in Manila for almost 9 years already and still I don’t feel like I own it, I go home to my apartment and I feel restless…I forget sometimes that I have a family back home in the province, but when I’m there I also feel like its not my life…then where is it…I do not know where I belong and what I can own…it scared me a little…borrowed time, borrowed life, it’s so easy to live in the shadow of what people see you as…I fixed my photo blogs earlier, making everything in secured setting, it scared me that I let people see me in the photos I’ve taken in the past years…they know me as the girl holding her drink, dancing in the dance floor, puffing cigarettes, dressed up in every flash…the girl whose smile is the same in every shot and changes as the wine decreases in her hands…I looked at that person and I didn’t see me…I stared at my photos and I do not know the face that stared so familiar to me…I lost myself somehow, I do not know where it resides…I will close my eyes in a few minutes now…I will knock on my own door…I wonder who’s in side…sleep…sleep is good…

the light consumes me…a hot rod yearning for some skin to burn…i look back…I am the rod…it fires so hot I can smell the burn…the burn…some flesh…made them feel alive…

I am the rod…I look back and the flame is out…her skin is burnt, and it scars…but im still a rod…cold now…colder still…hidden in the shelves…waiting for another…