Broken Window

Perceptions…funny how people create them in their heads…

I just want to get rid of these thoughts in my head…why would I want to go back from the base when I can reach for the stars and run up to the finish line where there’s so much more…there’s nothing wrong with looking back, there’s nothing wrong with keeping images in your head, I love doing that, I like keeping treasures in the small box hidden inside my head but it doesn’t mean I want to rummage back through it again…just because words run through me like an overflowing tide doesn’t mean you should swim through it and save the very core that creates it…go on…run like someone’s after you, it’s silly really, look back and you’ll find that no ones there …

I just don’t get it, why would you be running away and create more distance when life is so short we lose each other everyday…shouldn’t we keep those who mean something to us…I still haven’t got the time to watch the movie ‘Crash’ but I saw the trailer they were running in Star Movies, I can’t remember the exact words but it was about how people long for connections…oh here it is—’It’s the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something’…—It’ so true…but I don’t think we have to welcome every bit of soul smiling back to us, its scary, and believe me, there are a lot of wolves wrapped in sheep’s clothing…but those we had before, those that used to matter, can’t we at least keep them close? Even if we don’t expect anything…even if we really don’t want to go back, but just keep something intact…why is it so hard to do that… O well, you can’t force people to be there when they don’t want…I do that myself, run when I don’t want to stay… it only means we couldn’t care less about the person we are running away from… funny…different perceptions, I wish I could decipher them all…

Why do they all have to look like you…this is the 3rd time that I liked somebody who resembled the things that reminds me of you…the smile that reminds me of my lovely mornings, the eyes that looks at me with hope and promises of happiness…it’s maddening…

It’s been one hell of a journey moving on and I have gone a long way already, only to find myself back on the same road I got lost in…I was probably holding the same old map that led me to you…probably just in different dimensions…but all the same fucked up warning signs pasted on their foreheads: “CAUTION: A DANGER TO YOUR KIND.” but as usual, warning signs, neon labels, bright, screaming, very tempting…and same as you they all come in the most beautiful of boxes, I, holding it like a kid excited to rummage on the contents, only to find out that monsters lay inside…monsters that creep when I’m not on my guard…they cut me into pieces…

I’m thinking…what good will this bring me…I can smell the tragedy even before stepping on it…all your kind has done me wrong…all your kind offers the same heartache and troubles in my head…its frightening…

Should I be running away from the same needle that injects me with so much numbing drug? But numbing is good for me…maybe too much of it can finally kill the urge to long for so much…maybe getting stung by the same poison can finally rid me of my sleepless meanderings…

What do you think? Shall I even be speaking like you would even hear? Why do I even speak when I know these words will remain like shadows in your passing eye…

Why does it have to be your face that blinds me when I hunt for my prey…your face is a curse…a hex you put on me these past years that I fell asleep while you move on with your life…I need a cure for this, and I know turning to you for help would never be the answer…

I wanna get rid of your image in my head and change it to something new…something wrapped in simple boxes, something that will give me new memories to linger on…something to cover all of your image…a new kind of smile that will remind me of new beginnings…a new pair of eyes that will wake me the next day…some new pair of windows that will promise me new happiness…new pictures to paint in my head…

…some one’s by the door again…knocking…i looked at the key hole to see what awaits me…another one of those bright eyes, lovely smile…she looks like you…but she’s not you…i did not find them…they found me…

I feel like my blood is running dry…I need to get inspired…I want to get inspired…the fire of creativity just burned down on me, its been weeks and weeks now of endless work, binging, partying and sleeping on daytime. I am getting bored with this usual monotonous schedule…I get so tired most of the day, that’s why when I get home to my baby macintosh I just surf the net on useless information and a lot of ego surfing on fuckin facebook, multiply, friendster, downelink and all that crap that tells of so many lies lies and some more of lies…someone’s life is simply not how we see it on the internet…

I’m sitting here now with eyes half squinted from the smell of sleep, still aching for the desire to create something, anything, anything to wash away my languorous existence…I want to feel alive with paper under my skin, with colors reverberating around my eyes and music playing as I scar the pencil with more and more desire…yet I sit here and just think of it but the urge to pick up the pen and start doodling just doesn’t run through my veins for now…I need an inspiration…I need to feel alive…to dance and bathe in the hues and scribbles I create…I have a lot to finish yet I feel so tired just thinking of it…I feel tired just hearing people telling me I should do this, I should be this, I should make this…and I know should but I don’t want them yacking it in my brain, I get sick hearing them bark at my ears…

I want to swim in a pool of water…drown myself for a while and float on the surface and be reborn…clear my brain and reboot it one more time…does it need an upgrade? Does it need tune up? What I need is for something to push my hands, something to guide its movement and start creating again…am I in need of a muse? I ran out of them from the closet where I hide my heart…

All these longings…could it be lighting my fire…I will sleep for now…

I can feel the holiday breeze, Christmas is just a few days away…im here now alone in my apartment, doing nothing and don’t want to do anything really, I just want to stay like this for a few more hours cuz its back to work again tomorrow…I used to love the breeze of ber months, lovely wisps of wind that send me memories, now its just a hollow tune in my skin asking for me to breakdown into pieces…

My best friend just left to marry off in the states few days ago, I didn’t think much of it but now im feeling the fact that im being left behind, everyone around me is getting married and having some shitty love affair off coast, what am I suppose to feel about that…when your busy with stuff to do you don’t think much of the life that pass you by, now that im idle and spending holidays again I feel sick to my stomach that there’s no one there to spend it with… I just came back from Hong Kong two weeks ago, I had my hotel room for my self its such a sad feeling traveling alone and spending the nights alone in an old hotel room smelling of old things, smelling of fucked up memories of all the people who spent their times there…I walked the streets of Kowloon alone shopping and just wandering around without any particular destination to go to…It was a bit cold there now, and its sad to think that I couldn’t think of anybody to spend the days with, it’s not like there aren’t people I could ask, there aren’t any ‘I like’ who’s available to go with…it was interesting blending with the background though, it was interesting traveling alone, I pay more attention to things and details, and I loved dressing up like one of those Chinese yuppies, if I had more courage I would have gone to a lesbian bar alone and just see what happens with it, but was so scared to get drunk and end up in a dump somewhere.

Anyway, I enjoyed this weeks holiday, met with most of my friends and stayed out for how many days and danced til I couldn’t feel a thing…my friend was telling me how come I don’t want to stay at home and just rest…cuz resting just makes me feel restless! my work is still piled up and since its vacation I wanted to enjoy my time and finish it to the fullest…and again I filled it up to the brim. It’s funny, I’m coming to work tomorrow, with a bump on my head, aching muscles, wounds on my elbow and a burn on my arm…I’m still smiling…☺ I’m nursing my head from bumping it on the couch the other night, got so tired from jumping around so I plumped myself on the couch of the bar, I didn’t know there was a coffee table there, i had an extra head in an instant, the bump scared the hell out of my friends, funny though I was still laughing, gez nothing could ruin that night cuz i was just happy about this certain Lolita… such an eye candy…well see what happens with that…it could just be another one of those pages I turn everyday and forget the next day…I’ll come to my senses soon enough…anyway my entire body feels like its all swollen from dancing and grinding for how many consecutive nights, the burns I got earlier from the stove and my elbow wounds from pounding too much on the resto table last night.

Sigh…o well, gez I’ll be my friends Barney (‘How I Met Your Mother) for now til I find some some…