Broken Window

‘They say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.’-Grey’s Anatomy

January 1, 2009. Another day in the dash of my life that will end in a few hours as the clock endlessly ticks today… I asked my self when I woke up from the hangover of New Year, did I spend it right? Did I do everything right to start my year? Then I realize, does it really matter? Cuz no matter how we try to do things right, its things out of our control that makes the day…

My head is still a little woozy from the night that was, but all in all I just feel better within myself. I could see dawn peeping from the window of Fiamma as people still sip and gulp from their glasses of champagne and cocktails from the festivity… I stood there watching them all wasted and smiling, dancing and laughing… they were simply having fun… at the start of my party hopping all I felt was boredom and sleepiness and the need to feel better within me, I tried to smile within myself when I woke up yesterday, I cleaned my house, cooked my favorite pansit, ate my dinner alone and kill time without responsibility and care about anything else but my time and myself. Before the clock turned 12 I called up my mom and the people close to me to tell them I love them and rushed to the road to catch up to my friend who waited for me the entire night, I rushed to the road as the clock ticks and I keep telling myself I have to be at least with someone when the year starts cuz I don’t want to be alone… as the clock ticks by the minute I could feel it in me, I want to be happy…

After glasses and glasses of vodka I still wasn’t getting drunk, I nudged my friend, ‘Dear, I want to get drunk, I need to feel happy at least today, I want to so badly, look at them, I want to be like them, I want to be out of my body, drunk, wasted, drugged up or whatever. Anything, I just wanted to be happy, cuz truth is I feel terrible no matter how much I try to deny it…’ one more, one by one I was gulping and smoking things I do not want, but I wasn’t getting drunk… slowly, I was telling myself, stop it Tatum, just let it out of you already… I could hear voices of my friends from the year that was, it hits close to home, ‘Tatum, stop doing this to your self, your doing it cuz you feel bad about so many things, do you think these things feel the same, do it for you, just do it for yourself…’ ‘you’re made to be better than that, just let it be…’ I could hear voices of the life coaches, ‘Stop feeling like a victim, and start having the responsibility within you to feel better about yourself, stop blaming it on other things, just stop…’ and I did. Just like the deadline that I gave myself. I just stopped caring and free myself of it. I started to be myself again, to do things that makes me enjoy, not thinking about anything else, not thinking if anybody would care, the same Tatum that my friends like and hate about me, I will have fun and enjoy as long as I am not stepping on anything but myself and I do not need drugs nor alcohol to be that, its inane in me, I’m just fucked up crazy. I danced the way I used to, but keeping a little tact, I drank and laughed with my friends… and one by one forget the things that hurt… I don’t need it anymore to feel alive, I am alive, I feel, I breathe, I live and I am happy in some parts of me…

When I opened my eyes today, I keep tapping my heart, ‘How are you, hey, you, still there? Feeling better?’ as if it answered back and whispered to me,’ Yes, what’s up, why mind? Do you have a problem? Cuz I’m perfectly fine today…’ I was smiling as I rolled on my bed hugging my pillow… I love deadlines… 

‘Today, today, I saw a man, using a whiskey flask as a walkie talkie… today, today…’

I played the first thing on my itunes as I reach for my keypads again… I had to close the TV and toil on endless stuff for work but here I am again procrastinating on everything. I was singing ‘Paraiso’ of Smokey Mountain today at work, caught myself with it and my officemate was laughing, I didn’t know where I heard it again but it must be from reading too much about love these past days, it’s everywhere around me and it can be overwhelming.

I haven’t been listening to music recently since my ipod conked down, I guess I buried myself too much on my ipod these past months so as not to think as much and let lyrics think for me instead. Now that I don’t have that everyday, I’m hearing so much, so much on life again that it can be a little overwhelming. Life indeed follows, after every event. After every tear, and after every episode you create for yourself…

But love and relationships… it puts too much toil on everyone that it fucks everyone up. LOVE, sing it together with me, yes, it can be music, LOVE, scream it together with me, yes it can be noise, LOVE, cry it together with me, yes, it can be painful, LOVE, define it with me and we will have different answers…

Last Monday, I grabbed a copy of the newspaper where one of my shoots came out and as I rummaged on the page I came across a column of one of my friend talking about an email he received, it was about ‘love’ and how the kids ages 7 below where defining it. It took me how many minutes reading up rolling my eyes or squirming with it. Kids, at least them they know love with such naivety. I want to be like that again, unscathed. I want to love the same way I loved when I was still naïve. Now, I look at self-help books, go to seminars and listen to other people or read up on the net on its meaning and how each different person we come across with define it on their own. I don’t know now, I don’t know how to act on love anymore, where it wont hurt, where it won’t matter as much and where it wont penetrate like it will be the end of the world when you lose it. May be this is what all my past left me as, someone broken, someone damaged. I heard in some movie the other night that it takes a grown up to make love and relationships work, does it? They said the past makes you learn and be better, does it? May be for the second time, what about the third and the next? I don’t know anymore, how come with my past, it just made me so scared. I don’t want to become like the couples I know, I only know one couple that’s so happy and in love despite so many years, they’ve managed to tame each other. Is it love they have? Or is it because in relationships, love isn’t what matters that may be its compatibility, understandng and comfort. I don’t know. Can you define it?

I was talking to my editor in the car earlier about LOVE, I told her about what I found out. That love is seen through different eyes, yes it may be universal, but it is not the same the way people perceive it and give it. I told her about the different colors of personalities. That sometimes, people whom both love each other break up not because they don’t love, but because they just don’t speak the same way that each of them understands. Here’s what I’ve gathered through endless reading, that there are four different shades of people and how they see and act on LOVE:

The RED personality perceives love as being CONDITIONAL, meaning that they’ll give you their love if you take care of their needs first. Consequently, they have a lot of expectations around what love should be and what they expect from their relationships.

Love to the ORANGE is SELFLESS, and means putting the emotional needs of others before their own needs. They see love as representing a deep emotional bond between two people and forming a commitment so strong that it can withstand the ups and downs that all relationships experience over the course of time. 



YELLOWS perceive love as being complicated and hard to define. They see it as being global, meaning that there are different kinds of love and different magnitudes of loving something or someone. Love for the Yellow is a STATE OF MIND, and how they express love is solely dependent on where they are mentally. 



GREENS see love as being a celestial event, a harmonic convergence, the merging of two people to create one, the sacred union between the soul, the mind, and the body. It is a SPIRITUAL CONNECTION and they make love fun. 


***

Interesting stuff huh, my editor exclaimed, ‘Oh I think I’m red.’ I smiled at her, I said, ‘I think I’m green before, I don’t know what I am now.’ Can someone define me without leaving me insane?

She told me to read her column today, when I got back to the office that’s the first thing I looked for. Some story about first love and losing someone you love through death and finding again some chapters that never had closure. After reading, I looked at my editor,  ‘Oh my,’ I squirmed a little. ‘I don’t think I can handle it when I lose my love through death, I think it will kill a spot in my soul.’ ‘I know, right,’ she said.

I just washed my hands from the stains the paint left on my skin. I’m wasting time once again, finding comfort in solace and assessing the feelings I built without a wall to bounce to. I was reading up on stuff, my sleepy eyes are weary but it comprehends very well… I like a passage I found, ‘acceptance of all that is, has been, will be and will not be.’

A resignation to loneliness, sorrow, mistrust, disbelief and gray eyes…

I could hear Iron and Wine, ‘everything looks perfect from far away…’ 

Woke up from last nights slumber. I didn’t like the way I felt cuz of certain things. After a cold shower I readied myself for work to relieve myself from thinking. To work and toil endlessly, an escape to my predestined road. I got myself those big ass earphones and covered my ears with melancholic songs… I played Eagle Eye Cherry, some old song I rummaged from my mp3 box. ‘It’s always the same, and I’m so tired of playing this game…I’ve kept the light down, I don’t wanna get it hard, so let me tell you now, I just wanna be sure…’

I love this play list I compiled when I feel this way, it soothes me, ‘Tomorrow’s rain will wash the stains away, but something in our minds will always stay… nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could, for all those born beneath an angry star, lest we forget how fragile we are, on and on the rain will fall, like tears from a star, like tears from a star, on and on the rain will say, how fragile we are, how fragile we are…’

Fragile… I will always put that in mind… I could hear Julianne on the track again, how soothing her voice, makes me feel like driving with open windows while driving to Tagaytay on a foggy day… I want to sing together with it… ‘Everything seems different now…things are turning inside and out, with a new pair of senses to go with around, it doesn’t even matter if I’m up or down…’ Grateful, I want to sing it again. I hate that my car is busted and I can’t go anywhere and sing my lungs out in traffic…

I could feel my eyes falling down… I need to snap and work, I don’t like this feeling… I don’t like the feeling of anticipating what feels like a downfall, I want to rise above my defeat and not drown.

Last weekend while I was in Bohol waiting for the guides, I sat down with my Belgian friend and asked him if he has any collection of anything, ‘Umm not really, I have paintings but I would consider them as investments mostly, I really don’t get attach to things, cuz these are things, it just piles up and makes you hold on to it and not move on.’ ‘Oh, I thought I was weird, cuz I don’t collect anything, I have friends who collects stamps, stickers, guitars, bikes, shells, bangles, etc, then I’d look at myself and wonder why I never had the inkling of keeping things. Sometimes, I’d be up and ecstatic about something then get bored with it after a while, next thing I know it’s dusting somewhere in the house already.’ Is it the same with life? I used to think I collect memories and experiences but even those are dusting away. I like what ‘dad’ told me about the past, ‘leave it and move on.’ When he transferred to his new studio, he left his old studio with everything in it, his works for more that ten years if I’m not mistaken. ‘What?! That’s archive dad, it could be important!’ but he insisted he wants different things already; the past just hinders you for new things. Then it reminded me of actor Sean Connery, how even his trophies are dusting somewhere in his son’s cr, he doesn’t even keep them. When asked why, he explained that he doesn’t like to hold on to things of the past.

I have been in constant turmoil within myself for the past weeks, for the first time I think I am experiencing what seems to be a quarter life crisis. I want to move on to a different thing, something new, something exciting, and something that will make me feel worthwhile again but somehow I feel like I am still on the starting point. I hate this feeling of being alone and powerless and no one to take my fall, and I hate that I’m feeling this way when I know I can fix it myself. I no longer want to go where life takes me, I want to go where ‘I’ decide where to take my feet not what others bid for me. I need my ground, to reside to when I want, to leave when I want. Yesterday I was myself again, pushing life and scheduling things in order cuz I want order, I feel so cluttered that important things are pushed to the bottom. I wrote down what I need to fix as I look forward. And as I was finishing my errands for the night, my car conked down on me in the middle of the fuckin’ road. I hate it when I try to straighten my path then life knocks me off of it. As I woke up today I felt that it was indeed what I am experiencing, stuck on the road with a flat tire or an ignition that won’t start. I was on such a rush to go home last night before it happened cuz I had scheduled things to do, and everything was once again put on hold. I used to be in love with my car, but now it is just a hassle and a necessity. I’m just thankful for the people who saved me last night, I would have cried like a kid, helpless in that heated parking lot.

As I worked in the office today, I feel like a kid starting over. I need that blood, the same drive I used to carry when I was starting, the need to be better and do well with everything I touch. Mistakes are easy to straighten when you’re starting on something but at my age I feel like everything I do and act on should be well thought of, no room for failure. I feel like in my life I’ve developed a shallow foundation on the heights that I created with my hands, I always jump on things faster than I could catch my breath, now I am starting over and I want to fill the gaps on what look like stilts when I look down.

‘Sit still and close your eyes, what’s behind the other door, no more silence, don’t kill this thing we got… just searching for the perfect drug… don’t look back …’ – I keep playing it last night, this morning and until now. I returned to Telepopmusik again to remind me of things that I usually forget. ‘The past is not a friend, it only reminds you of the things you no longer have.’

After a long talk with my friend I sipped on the iced macchiato and head to straighten my pathway… if I was the same as 3 months way back he would have smacked me but I was there reasoning out and airing my woes. ‘The problem is you dwell on the past, you keep blaming everything on the past, how will you ever move on if you’re like that.’ I looked at him and took another sip of macchiato waiting for my mouth to air out my defense. ‘Well, I know of all the things you guys tell me, that’s the problem, I know but I do otherwise. You know how hard it can be sometimes.’ ‘See another wrong, you’re saying it’s hard! Nothing is hard, you are so blessed yet you’re not setting yourself up to be better.’ I looked at him beaten up, ‘Rye, I was ok before, people would ask me if I was ever in a quarter life crisis and I don’t think I ever was, and in all honesty I’m not the type who never know what she wanted, but for the first time in my life I do not know what to want and not want.’ ‘Tats, I know you’re a lesbian, but even lesbians know when to call out to god.’ Umm ok, that’s a weird comment but I will dignify it. ‘Actually, last night while I was thinking on my bed, I called out to him to ask him, then I realized I choke on the words because I do not know what to ask, cuz I do not know what I want! That’s weird don’t you think? May be the problem is for the last 5 years I’ve drained my self to everything that I would want and I had it all, now I don’t know how to begin, Sara told me to move to a different level already cuz I’m done with that, want greater things naman. But you know, the most concrete thing I want now is to feel safe.’

‘The problem with you Tatum is you do not protect yourself, try to love yourself a little more before you think about others.’ I took another sip, longer this time. ‘See, that’s another thing! Ugh, it’s battling in me, if you say love my self, and protect myself, I feel like I’m being selfish, how can that be a good thing.’ ‘Well, there’s nothing wrong with being selfish especially when you’re taken advantaged of!’ ‘You give too much of yourself and you know in your head you deserve more than what you get. What did your other friend tell you, never settle for anything less.’ I feel like a lost kid getting a scolding from my guidance councilor. ‘Shit, you sound like the life coaches…’ I got my phone and called up the coach, ‘Yes babe, I need the new sched.’ A breath of fresh air, I’m headed to my straight path again. ‘Never ever lose that chain Tat. Tsk.’

We went back to the conference for the meeting. I could feel me in me, me again, talking to people higher than me, speaking to them like I could make things the way I speak it, the way I was asked. I know I can. I took out all barriers and pulled out the gray overcast over my head, I feel so free. I create heights. Yes, I am better of. ‘Tatum, there you go again, so sungit with things, so detailed and meticulous,’ my coworker commented while I was fixing some details about the coming shoot. ‘Well babe, isn’t it better that way, you guys have me again.’

I will always think of blood diamonds, how people work hard to get it. They had the taste, it was worth it.

‘Tamers care for what they have tamed. You’ll always be responsible for your rose.’— Little Prince.

‘You’ve soiled your hands with my blood, and all I can hear was sorry.’ Well I think that ‘sorry’ has a last name, meet ‘excuses’.

I could feel my head throbbing with headache. I’ve never felt this much distaste for what I’ve set my self into. A shallow pit, I know I can always get my self out of it while I’m still not limp. I finished my meal for the night, alone in some fine dining resto. Alone, I like it that way for now, it doesn’t scare me. It gives me more post. Tomorrow I’m headed for the mountains and a breath of the ocean mist. I will enjoy it and breathe every minute of being away from reality. Sunset or sunrise, I want our shoot to be like that, I want the yellows and the oranges with a little darkness biting the colors. Ugh, shit this headache.

‘I want to…I want to be someone else or I’ll explode, floating upon this surface for the birds… You want me? Fuck, well come and find me… I’ll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches and nothing…’ Radiohead is on my ears, I am mad again and it’s soothing…for now… for now…

I could hear French lyrics from Axelle Red, I don’t fucking understand what it was she speaks of, my French is rusty already. I played another track, Mexican this time… sure, another different sound… I think I like to listen to tunes that I do not comprehend the lyrics anymore. Better than hearing the language that my ears are familiar with yet so hard for me to fathom…

I played the violin song that my friends used to play in the office… it’s soothing but makes my heart skip in every beat. Another change of track, ‘The Kiss,’ it silenced my ears… I plopped my head on the couch and stared… ‘Hey that’s nice, but super emo!’ my coworker exclaimed on the other couch… ‘Do you want your stress ball?’ I jokingly told her. ‘I’m ok,’ she was laughing. ‘So anyway,’ she continued. ‘About that road, there are people with goals set up for them, smart people, great people, they know the destination they want to head to and they set up their mind to do it, problem is on the way to the destination, the road is filled with things and amusement stopovers.’

‘Let’s see for example, a Carnival, the person traveling will say, ‘Oh ok, may be I can set aside a few minutes of my life checking out the sights,’ and the person heads on to the booths, on different booths were Flapping Whale, the other says, A Beautiful Siren…’ ‘Wait! Can you change the siren into a goddess instead?’ I batted in, ‘hello, there aren’t any goddess in carnivals! Mermaids na lang,’ ‘Hmp, sige na nga Siren.’ ‘OK, can I continue? Anyway, so the traveler went to the booth were the flapping whale is, he was in awe with the magnanimous weight of the whale as it goes to and fro in the aquarium and it flips, flaps, and jumps up and down, the traveler was laughing, seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours til he lost track of time studying the whale. As the whale turns and made another flop on the water the force hit the traveler and on he flies on the air landing on the booth were there sat the siren. He was still recuperating from the shock as the melodious voice of the Siren serenaded his ears… he stood up limping from the pain but overwhelmed by the beautiful glow coming from this creature, ‘heavenly’, he says, he came in closer and closer til he caught the Siren’s gaze. The creature stared at him amused by the man, the Siren closed her lips and silence fell in the air. The traveler extended his hand to the creature, she moved away and hid like a child, the man hesitated to follow but the glow keeps drawing him in, he followed and duck where the Siren hid and the pain from his leg acted up, he moaned a little in agony and the Siren went closer to him and touched his face. He stood there frozen staring at the eyes of the creature, gently she parted her lips and smiled at him. As if in a trance the traveler forgot everything til a huge flap fell on the wall dividing the booths where the whale and the siren were. The whale was creating such a cacophony that the man was rattled and strobe away from the Siren. The whale was creating those awful sounds, ‘OOOOhhhhanggggg oooohwhanghooooooo,’ – ok about this time I had to laugh at my friend, ‘fuck, babe that sounds so funny!’ I sat laughing at her. ‘Eh ano gagawin ko ganun sound ni Orca noh!’ ‘Hahaha, oh my, this is fucking hilarious! May name na ngayon yung whale?’ we were laughing and giving each other a high five.

‘Ok oh and then what happened?’ ‘Eh ayon, yung letcheng traveler pinuntahan si Orca kasi mukang kawawang ungol ng ungol.’ ‘What about the Siren?’ ‘Well, he figured since his got time, he’ll just go back some other day, mukang nag-eenjoy naman yata sa whale eh.’ ‘Fuck! Dude! You’re crazy!’ We were laughing off our butts. ‘So and then, what happened to the traveler?’ ‘Ewan, nakalimutan na yung destination nya, kung san-san pa kasi nag-stop over.’ ‘Shit, I swear to god, I want to go home already! this place is making us both insane!’ she was laughing again, ‘I know right.’ ‘Wait how come, there are only two booths in the Carnival? ‘Ok, may be we can add hairy giants, cunning sorcerers, palm readers or dancing midgets, then we can call one of the midgets Frodo,’ she laughed again. Damn, I’ll miss her when she resigns.

‘Ma’am here are the new prints,’ I stood up to check the colors for the nth time, ‘I don’t get it, how come the colors doesn’t blend evenly, here its yellow, the other is reddish, I don’t want to sign this, look,’ ‘Tatum, it looks the same to me, I swear when you’re mainit ulo you can be so OC, ’ she exclaimed. ‘Well, I have to be I guess, my senses is back in its right place.’

Is this fate that life has brought upon my pathway? Do you know how instinct speaks so much, when you feel it? It is telling you that there is something wrong. I can’t blame that I am giving and trusting, I was born that way. No matter how many have lied to me, I remain sincere and true to everyone. I didn’t ask for this, to be fooled and lied on by so many.

May be I was born in the wrong era. People say I am a romantic by heart and it is true. My heart always gets the best of me, but I will not let it overpower me. I am hiding it away, locked, my mind is bigger than my heart and I should listen to it now.

I know in me that I will not grow old unhappy and alone because I have a heart that is true. Someday someone worthy will discover it and keep it away from harm. But why is it that the people that surrounds me having pages that tell of something else. Naikwento ni dad, sabi nga daw ng isang sikat na artista, Bakit ganoon, gamitin mo ang puso mo talo ka, gamitin mo ang isip mo talo ka pa din.’ Ang sabi ng malapit kong kaibigan, ‘Tatum kasi ang buhay hindi ganyan, ang isip mo ay nakalutang sa isang fairytale, hindi ganyan ang buhay.’ Siguro nga nagkamali ako ng panahon ng pagkabuhay, sana nabuhay ako nuong araw. Nung ang tao ay iisa lang ang hanap, ang maging kuntento sa isa.

May be I should believe the people who says that what’s in me is rare. Blame it on rarity, someday I will find someone like me. Diwata, tama ang hinala. Ang sabi ko ay hindi ako luluhod sa lupa. Hindi ko maintindihan, dahil hindi ako katulad nila.

Last night, I attended a house warming of a family that has something that not everyone have. Love. I felt it all over their house, I felt it when I look at their eyes. I felt it when I look at the place that they both build their dreams with. I felt it as I held my friend’s womb that they build promises on. They will name their kid ‘Sky.’ Ang sarap pakinggan, ang sarap panoorin ng kanilang buhay. On the way back home my friend said, ‘Nakakainggit diba? I guess some people do find it.’ I looked at her on my passenger seat, ‘I know right, some do, I wish we both find it too,’ I said in my sincerest of voice and I hear my voice fading as I drove my car. You won’t lose anything if you believe, cuz that’s the only precious thing anyone can hold on to. For now it warms my heart to live vicariously in their lives. I was silently observing the people in that party. They look happy, and I was overwhelmed by it. Is that the same thing I want also? Yes may be, I just want to feel safe but I never felt safe since I turned my back on my past.

I woke up today still wanting the arms of sleep. I wanted to close my eyes again but I feel that time is wasted. I took a cold bath to wake my senses. As I walk amidst the silence of my apartment I felt that I was alone and it echoes in the white washed walls. I felt the need to call my mom. I wanted to go back and be part of her. It is really hard for them back in the province and they rely on me for hope. As I hear her voice cracking on the other line, I could feel the responsibility she wants to put on my shoulders. It was a heavy burden and I fell on my floor with the gravity. As I put the phone down I stood up, but I was so weak that it brought me back down, and silently tears fell down my face. My phone squeaked with a message, I thought it was from someone who warms my heart, I needed deliverance, I looked at the name, it wasn’t her, it was an unknown number. It was her ex lover. As I scroll on the message, it just answered all the questions that always give me cold feet.

‘Do you hear me? Tell me can you feel me… do you believe me or do you just fear me…better days is coming for you and for me…’ I played ‘Better Days’ on my ipod, I’m sitting on my desk again, too lazy to move my ass…

It’s a sunny day and I own my day today, no work, no hassles, no bad vibes, just me and my vanity heading to the doctor for a little cure…

Kagabi nagsulat ako sa isip ko, hapong hapo ang mga mata kaya inihiga na lang, diko mailimbag ang mga titik kaya paulit ulit kong binibigkas… sa lilim ng aking hatinggabi, ibinulong ko sa aking tanaw… nakahanap ako ng dingding na sumbungan ng aking hinaing, at tapalan ng aking mga tagpi tagping pangarap, sabi ko ipipinta ko at makikinig ang pader, ngunit mayroong bulong ang mga pader, naramdaman ko sa paghaplos ko sa muka nito… mainit, bako bako, at may mga pahiwatig… sumandal ako’t pakiwaring taimtim na ninamnam ang bawat bulong ng wika nito… naramdaman ko sa pulso ang pait at luha ng pader, muli akong humarap at yumakap… ang aking tinig na malakas ang bulukso ay nanahimik… kagabi sa aking pagmumuni, tinapik ko ang sarili… ‘nandyan ka pa ba? Bakit ang tahimik ng iyong mga labi?’ animo’y gulong naalimpungatan sa pagkabiling… tumayo at nagpaikot ikot… ‘ayoko, diko yata ninais ang manahimik.’ Lumakad ako palayo sa pader at huminto kung saan aninag ko na lang ito.
Iisipin ko na lang na isa itong Monet na painting… mas maganda pag malayo layo…

I refuse to sew my small lips and tie it in a knot… it will be such a waste. I got home with silenced veins instead. I screamed like a baby while the doctor injected the roots that I managed to build up from wearing heels. ‘Well, beauty can be a pain,’ my friend was laughing as she squeezed my hand and I screamed teary eyed. Man, is this how its going to be as I get older, going under injection after injection. The other day, while having editorial meeting with my bosses, they were talking about botox and where they had theirs done. I probably would want some of those when I reach their age as well. Yikes.

‘So what if you’re old, if you’re mind is still in its youth and you have a happy outlook it won’t matter,’ my Belgian friend told me one time as he spoke of his Aunts in Belgium. ‘She’s in her 70s-or 80s I think, and she still does a lot of physical activities, biking and jogging together with her lesbian lover.’ ‘Aww, that’s so cute!, but how does she look though?’ I asked. ‘Well, she looks like one big wrinkle to me,’ my friend said. Oh my, I felt my brows tightened. I don’t want to look like one big wrinkle. That’s so sad… oh well, such is life. Beauty fades… so I guess it’s nice to make the most of it while we still have youth in our veins. Bikini’s and short skirts has a life expectancy and an expiry date…

‘Ok that’s it, no more eating dinner at night!’ I screamed while watching the new video of Mariah Carey, she’s in the hottest black maillot and her body looks like she’s in her 20’s! Damn, so for those of us who doesn’t have the same amount of money and genes for self-preservation, I guess prevention is better than cure.

‘So we are undergoing sclerotherapy, do you have any history of allergies, complications…’ the doctor’s voice is receding in my ears as she talks of so many ‘isms’ in her medicine tongue, ‘Umm doc, so far I don’t have these history but I have history of lesbianism will that count?’ we were all laughing as the doctor stared at me in a funny way…

‘Someday you wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where trouble melts like lemon drops high above the chimney tops… that’s where you’ll find me…’ I played Israel Kamakawiwo’ Ole version that a friend saved for me… It’s making me feel like a character from an anime, a girl holding a willow twig, looking down as the wind catches her hair… sad but soothing… its making my heart beat in a sore mood…

I sat for a couple of cigs and coffee with ‘dad’ yesterday while preparing for our shoot. He was calmer than usual, I was teasing him, ‘So dad, did you take a downer that’s why you’re not ecstatic?’ he sat on his chair as he puff on another cigarette. ‘Haay, I’m a little overwhelmed actually, I always had this vision and now that it’s all coming true I’m a little umm…’ he gave another sigh, ‘it’s on my shoulders, whew.’ I sat there smiling at him, ‘I’m so happy for you dad, awww, see be careful what you wish for cuz it might come true, and you know how it is, when it rains, it pours…’ I stroked his shoulders as we shared another stick of cigarette. Darn those cigs, I’ve been sick for almost a week now, coughing and bouts of fever… but I can’t stop huffing and puffing, I like smoking when I’m stressed and thinking, it soothes me though it kills me after…

I woke up early today, my medicine knocks me out early at night so I tend to wake up earlier than usual, 8 am, but I always end up staring up the ceiling, next thing I know I’m getting up at 11am already, late for work as usual… o well it’s over time tonight anyway so I guess it’s ok to be late… ‘I came to bring you joy today!’ our happy friend, columnist from Philippine Star came screaming on the door. ‘Hello, look at you guys, I’m suppose to make you smile, but you guys look so stressed and gloomy, look at Tatum.’ I turned my back and stared blankly at him, trying to make my weary eyes smile. I turned my head back to my computer, face went back down. I hate this. Is this what dad was referring to yesterday, the way he saw me few months back, trying to put up a happy face but everything is down. My ex told me before, ‘I saw someone who looks like you, here look,’ she opened her phone and showed me the sad emoticon. Umm okay, well that’s how she saw me I guess and that’s how it was with her. ‘You have this way of looking at me that your eyes are smiling even when your lips are not.’ someone told me under the dark. It amazed me, no one has ever told me that, I always see my eyes as the saddest eyes. Could it be that when a person sees you differently that finally, may be, it will reflect on you?

Our writer sent me a text message with some quote about taking time out for yourself, I squirmed at him, ‘did you send this by mistake?’ ‘No, I just thought it’s nice, so I forwarded it to you.’ I read through it. Can people read me like an open book, why is everyone noticing when I’m not smiling… ‘Ok, guys I have a dirty joke!’ the columnist exclaimed, ‘Tatum don’t listen!’ hello, the more my eyes turned on him as he animatedly told his joke. We were all laughing after. Then he went on with a few more gay jokes, ‘Ok! Where the hell do you get these stuff!’ I screamed at him. Ok, that’s it I think its time for a cigarette.

I got down and the rain was swallowing the entire parking lot. It reminded me of a day back in the past when I stood drenched under the rain, crying, waiting for my ex lover to open her gate. Yeah, those days, love can make someone so undignified… I got back to the elevator and I heard myself talking, ‘God I miss the other girl who talks of endless metaphors.’ I thought she could fly with me to the moon… we did, the moment she speak of, just a moment… I guess such is life, we live in certain moments but the clock pushes us back to reality… ‘Paru-parong bukid…Uy!’ my gay officemates played Nora Aunor on the speakers, oh my god, I swear who ever sent the clowns in, I’m happy cuz they’re making my day…

Ang gulo nanaman…yan yan siguro ang laman ng utak ko…

It’s 888 today, people are getting married and saying their bows and promises, umm, good luck to them haha, well if it’s love then good, great love is thicker than oak, haha but marriage? I don’t believe in that… well gez this stuff doesn’t always apply with my beliefs…

I woke up today late for my preprod meeting with ‘dad’, I turned from my pillow without recollection of how I slept the night before. I rushed to my car only to find out it won’t effin start. I rushed to hail a cab without makeup, carrying all my stuff on my shoulders… I was expecting to see a gray haired man greeting me with shouts of disappointments in me but as I opened the door an old man greeted me head bangin’ with his hands swaying ala air guitar and dancing to and fro in ‘We Built this City’ while he smokes his Philip Morris. ‘Dad, dahan dahan, ang taas mo ha!’ I was joking with him. ‘I was in tears this morning cuz of happiness,’ he stated. He opened a plastic envelope, ‘I was so excited to share this with you,’ he opened the prototypes of his new project… I looked at him and how his happiness was showering over me, it made me so happy to see someone this ecstatic and excited for something, it’s changing my mood as well… I drank 3 cups of coffee to keep up with him. How I love dad, his visions touches my heart and inspires me to do great so I can be like him in the future, graying but forever happy and in love with his creations… I heard my phone squeaked, I looked down and saw Angel greeted me, I love this day, all the inspiring aura from last year was coming back, it gives me so much hope… it’s a great day after all, everyone should be inspired and happy, no nega vibes!!! I breathed in all the gifts that it could bring everybody… ‘Let’s welcome the age of Aquarius!’ Angel said, yes my fellow aqua, it’s our time to reign, I was laughing as I typed on my keypad.

Laughter, I have a lot coming in and going out of my mouth. What a happy day, no need for Disneyland to make me sing Hakuna Matata the entire day… I went back home to change and get help for my car, my car who’s being so fuckin’ ksp to me every week, god he’s getting more expensive than me… ‘Well cuz your attention has been spilled to another…’ I thought I heard him speak as I tried starting the ignition for the nth time… haha, crazy Tats…

After the mechanics fixed the problem I was so alive again singing and dancing with Beyoncé’s ‘Beautiful Nightmare’ …’you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare, either way I don’t want to wake up from you… my guilty pleasure, I ain’t going no where…’ my shoulders and hips are fighting over my car seat ahaha… ‘Tonight Tatum, hold it, you can dance to and fro to the beat of Zion…’ ‘God, look at her, acrobatic nanaman,’ I heard my officemate while I was grinding again at the office… ‘I feel so good today! Don’t you guys feel the same?’ I asked all of them, ‘No, I don’t feel so good.’ With a strong period on the last sentence. Whoookay! Haha as if telling me to keep my happy smile away from them or they might kick me… ok, darn the coffee and all the caffeine is wearing off, I think I’m going to keep my energy for now… I played another on my speakers, ‘be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it…’ yeah those pussies singing ‘When I Grow Up’.